Here's How Your Mind Plays Tricks on You During a Breakup (3 Myths Revealed)
Your mind is a sneaky-bugger. It’s a complex, powerful, and has a wildly vivid imagination.
But during a breakup, it can really—freak us out.
As a breakup coach, it’s important that I reveal some of the ways the mind behaves.
A lot of these ways have us delaying the grieving process; lowering our self-esteem, and even delaying finding newer, more supportive partners.
The more we learn about this, the more we can work through all the stuff that comes up when we end a relationship.
Alright, let’s dive in!
MYTH #1: You Are What You Think
You know when you’re innocently at home, when all of a sudden—you have those visions of you strangling your ex for everything that went wrong in the relationship? You immediately freak yourself out, thinking, “wow, my ex really did a number on me!”
I’ve got good news (aside from the discomfort of feeling that intensity of emotion): that’s not actually you. That’s just you feeling your thinking.
You’re actually the person behind this thinking—watching.
When you’re envisioning some Nightmare-on-Elm-Street-level anger, you’re simply attaching a picture to a feeling you’re experiencing. It’s not even your emotion. It’s just energy coming through.
Again, you’re the one watching yourself experiencing energy. Observing those feelings. Seeing those thoughts flow in and out.
Unfortunately, most of us don’t see it this way. In fact, we do something a whole lot different because of how real those thoughts and feelings seem at the time.
We judge ourselves so harshly for the things we think. Again, not doing—just thinking.
We go to therapists to become “better” people, and we try to run from those thoughts. We want to discover how to be “good” again. This is all a B-S story your mind is painting for you.
How different would your life be if you knew that you’re just watching those thoughts; feeling that energy; and none of it said anything about who you are?
You’d probably spend a lot more time doing the things you loved, and cutting yourself a break for being human. You’d probably also get over your ex a lot sooner, and have deeper compassion for yourself.
Another interesting fact here is that we rarely give ourselves credit for the good things we feel and do. Isn’t that remarkable? Just think about that for a sec. Isn’t it so easy to remember the negative stuff instead of the good, warm, loving stuff?
We are so caught up in the fear that arises when we think we are “bad” people for feeling anger, sadness, and guilt. We don’t end up dealing with it. We get scared, and we run.
We suppress our emotions. We recluse. We hide.
What if you just let yourself be sad because you know it’s not a threat?
What would happen? Well, it would pass, for one.
I read somewhere that once we realize we are observing an emotion (and let go of judgment), it’ll pass within 90 seconds. That’s less time than we spend brushing our teeth in the morning.
But instead, most of (and I have beeeeeeen there) spend hours, days, months—ruminating. We think we need to fix this emotion that’s coming through.
We are terrified it’s here to stay.
We think we need to blame someone else for “making” us feel this way just so we can get rid of it. (“Here—you have it! I don’t want it!”)
Does this resonate with you currently?
If you’ve learned anything from reading this, it’s that your emotions are say nothing about you, and they’ll pass if you don’t judge yourself.
Humans feel a lot of things, and all they have to do to make it stop is acknowledge it, and it’ll pass on its own.
Myth #2: Your Mind Sees Positivity and Negativity Equally
Our minds pay attention to negativity a lot more than positivity, which you can blame negative bias for.
Essentially, we are a lot more likely to fixate on negative things (that one comment your ex/partner said) instead of all the positive things they said and did.
Take your job for example; in the case of a performance review, you’re a lot more likely to takeaway those “opportunities for growth” than you are to focus on the 14 things your boss said you do amazingly.
I know, it sounds pessimistic, but it’s just how we are wired.
If you’re currently in a relationship, you might be tempted to leave because of a few less-than-desirable quirks; the “cherry-on-top” qualities, if you will.
Maybe it’s how they chew that makes you want to jump out of your skin. Maybe it’s the fact they always look to you when making decisions and that’s enough to call it quits. I’ve been there.
But have you taken inventory of all the things that make them delightful? Probably a bit, but not as much as you’ve taken stock of the good stuff.
From my experience, people stay in relationships in fear of the future. They don’t stay out of love. When people want to leave, they leave out of finding the flaws, instead of out of respect and love for living happily apart (conscious uncoupling). It’s just how we’re wired.
Be mindful of how tricky the mind can be when it comes to its own evaluation of the positive and negative of your (past) relationship.
I take my clients through an exercise to help work through this kind of thinking:
1) I have my clients write down 10-30 different needs they need in a relationship
2) I ask them to rate the importance of each from 1-10
3) I ask them to rate how well their partner meets that need
4) How they’d like to see that need met in an ideal scenario/relationship
Try this at home when you have 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted time. Just by challenging your mind to do this exercise, so much will be revealed to you about what needs of yours were met and unmet, and what vision you’d like to see. Also, is there a balance in how YOU see the relationship?
You’ve got to paint a healthy, loving picture for your mind because it is designed to seek the negative. It’s designed to leave when it sees negative. It’s designed to freeze when it sees negative.
When it’s always looking for the faults, you get to step in a see things a lot more lovingly—but you’re going to have more conscious to do that.
MYTH #3: Your Fear-Based Thinking is an Accurate Description of the Future
We are hired-wired to focus on the negative as part of our survival.
Back in the day (I mean way back) we were designed to pay attention to anything dangerous around us. Now, we see psychological threats the same way we see physical threats. How about that?
This makes perfect sense given how my coaching clients describe their experience when it comes to evaluating whether or not ending a relationship is the right decision for them.
Many of my clients are terrified of ending their relationships in fear of the negative repercussions that will arise post-breakup. They truly believe (and I was there too) that the photo their mind is painting alone after “The Talk” is an accurate portrayal of the events to follow.
As a breakup coach, I work with my clients to see both:
a) the benefits of ending an unfulfilled relationship
b) the cost of not ending the relationship
How many of us stay stuck in jobs we hate because we’re afraid of following what we truly want?
How many of us are terrified of leaving a relationship because of fearing the future?
The answer? Most of us on planet earth.
Instead, we have to watch romantic comedies to get our fix of the secret vision we have for our relationships, and we watch youtube videos on how successful people got rich, but we don’t do anything to actually take that leap. We just think that won’t happen for us.
Your mind is designed to help you find risk, but it only knows what the past looks like.
Your mind is also plastic, which means it can change based on new behaviours and new thought patterns.
Don’t believe the negative picture your mind is painting. Instead, use today as a reason to allow yourself to let go of the attachment you have to believing the fear. See the fear, and keep going anyway.
Your mind is truthful only if you believe what it is saying. If you don’t believe it, you give yourself a chance to expand, grow, and even blow yourself out of the water.
As Henry Ford said, “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
Precisely.
Have you been terrified of ending a relationship, even though you know the last few months or years have been mediocre?
Have you been staying home and sulking since the breakup because you think you’re nothing without your ex? You think you’ll never find someone better, even though the relationship rarely had its good moments?
It’s time to rewrite those thoughts. Don’t judge yourself for this. We’ve all been there, and it’s something we keep working on. Give yourself permission to dream bigger, and paint a picture that is rooted in love and truth—not fear.
Once we catch ourselves getting all debbie-downer about our relationship woes, we create new habits that ultimately become second nature.
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I hope you can see that your mind isn’t always “right” about what it thinks. You’re a lot more in control of your experience than you think. You will get through your breakup, and it’s just simple things like these 3 myths that keep us stuck in these vicious fear cycles.
Say buh-bye to them. Like the expression, “don’t believe everything you read,” the same goes for the mind.
You are powerful.
Looking for 1:1 private coaching to help you through your breakup, reach out to me here.