How to Deal With The Crazy Stuff Your Mind Says After a Breakup, According to a Breakup Coach
Today, I feel like getting honest with you and talking about the things your mind might be saying to you.
Your mind is one complex creature, and I guarantee you’ve been fighting with it a lot lately. One day, you feel confident to stay disconnected from your ex. The next—you’re social media stalking them like it’s going out of style.
As a breakup coach, I feel it’s my duty to help you see behind the fear-based things your mind might be telling you, so you can choose to stay committed to your breakup, and therefore—committed to yourself.
Let’s not let those pesky fears stop you from moving on with your life.
When your mind says you’ll be alone forever
When your mind tries to “warn” you that you’ll be alone forever if you end your relationship, it’s just so far from the truth that it hurts.
Firstly, loneliness is a state of mind more than it is about your circumstance. Many people feel lonely surrounded by heaps of people (ahem, celebrities), while many people feel satisfied and joyful in solitude.
If you chose to leave a relationship and are experiencing the adjustment from a full schedule with them to open weekends post-breakup, it’s only natural to feel lonely during the transition. But to witness your thoughts about going back to avoid the loneliness, that’s only slapping a used bandaid to a much bigger issue.
This might be the time for you to lean into that loneliness, and see what insight it’s providing. You might feel called to fill your own cup up with things you love, as opposed to leaning on someone else to fill up yours. Of course, easier said than done, but that’s why we do this type of inner work.
Many of us tend to “fill our voids” by dating people, which I’m sure you might have heard before. We distract ourselves from the pain we feel, and we subconsciously date people who can rescue us. Many (historically myself included) do this.
We don’t know we have voids, and so we look for those who can fill them instead of looking into our own mind. Ask me more about this.
When your mind says they’re the best you can do
Isn’t it fascinating when your mind tries to tell you that your ex is the best you can do, meanwhile the relationship was seriously flawed?
What do you think is happening here? For one, it could be that you’re witnessing a decrease in self-esteem, having you believe that settling for less than you deserve is the only thing attainable given who you are. This is something I see quite often, and have personally experienced. Sometimes it’s hard to realize we’ve subconsciously set the bar low because we think we aren’t attractive, smart, or fit enough for the “type” of person we really dream about.
In a day and age of digital dating, feeling rejected numerous times before ending up in a relationship is likely going to have a negative affect on you, so it’s only natural to feel scared about facing that all over again after a relationship. A lot of my clients are terrified of ending a relationship because they think the pain of dating is worse than staying in a dissatisfied relationship. Just take that in for a moment.
It’s important to recognize that whatever you truly want in a partner is absolutely possible, as long as you work on increasing your self-love (this includes men!) and seeing your own worth. You are in control over how you see yourself and your circumstances, and if you find yourself reciting that your mediocre ex is the best you can do, well—think again.
Whenever we have internal dialogue that sounds negative, or on the Debbie-downer side, it’s important that we investigate that as it’s proving insight into our views of ourselves. We see the thought, and we choose a new thought that reflects a healthier view of ourselves.
In fact, this is a habit you can start today. Watch your thoughts, and listen to what they say. Anything less than positive, you have the power to change that narrative. It might sound a little forced in the beginning, but it’s powerful, and helps you seize more opportunities because of it.
When your mind says you can’t do X because you’re no longer together
So many of us lose our enthusiasm after a breakup, which is understandable. The world seems a little more dull, and old things you used to love just don’t seem appealing.
But here’s the thing—don’t give up on the things you want to do just because you won’t be doing them with your ex.
If you thought you’d be travelling around the world with them, and now that plan has gone to the wayside, then travel solo, or go with a friend.
If you thought you two were going to relocate cities together, then go by yourself.
Use this time to check in on what you truly want for yourself, and give yourself permission to do the things that mean something to you. Just because they’re not in the picture doesn’t mean you can’t still do them. You’ve got to sever the energetic cord you have connecting you two.
Maybe it takes a little more planning, or a little more saving, to do the “thing” you want to do, but it’s worth it because you don’t need someone to fulfill your dreams. Who knows, you might meet the right people when you decide to choose this powerful move.
You might have shared the same dream, and they’re out of the picture now, but that dream is possible and alive. Go after it!
What can you do today to start making it happen?
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These are just 3 things your mind might try and tell you, but you can choose powerfully and keep moving forward and living your life. Don’t let that negative talk stop you from healing, or stop you from going after what you want.
If you want additional support during your breakup, reach out to me to book a session