When You Can't Go No Contact With Your Ex, Do This Instead

Okay, so maybe you’re still living in the same apartment as your ex, or maybe you’re living apart but still have pets or children that keep you tied together.

How’re you supposed to go No Contact with your ex?

I get this question all the time as a conscious breakup coach, and the answer isn’t to just “block your ex” or “move out immediately.”

Some of you might have certain financial or other limitations and going no contact just isn’t feasible.

In some cases it might even be threatening.

So for those of you who want the “No Contact” experience but can’t actually avoid contact, this article is for you.

I’ve included some questions at the end for you to consider as well.

Create and communicate boundaries

You might NEED to be in touch, like discussing pick and drop off for the kids, or setting up meetings around how to split your assets like your home or furniture.

So, if this is the case then it’s important to try to stick to conversations only centered around logistics, and avoid heated conversations if you can.

Let your partner know what boundaries you need in order to begin the healing process.

Saying something like, “I really think we should take space, but I know right now our situation means we overlap, so what I need from you is _____________”

Let them know what you need—this is important as it’ll help both of you navigate this time.

Sometimes you might be dealing with someone (your ex) who makes it really challenging to set up a basic meeting (because of their childish ways), so be prepared for that (even though you might be already going through it).

Going no contact is more about giving yourself space and time to be apart (even if just mentally or energetically), even if that means just distancing yourself from conversations you used to have and shift to only the mandatory conversations.

Beware of the traps

One of the situations you might run into is that you use whatever it is that’s keeping you two tied together (finding new tenants to live in your old place, the kids, etc) as a reason to talk together.

This can get sticky.

If you’re moving out, you might be tempted to start fights about who gets the spatula you’re holding, since you agreed you’d only talk about home-related things and distribution of goods.

If you can, try to avoid starting petty conversations this way. I know, it’s not easy—but you’ve got this!

Ask yourself these questions:

• If you can’t physically distance (if living together), what can you do instead that would create space and separation? (setting up the living room as another bedroom etc)

• What do you need to say to your ex to help them understand what you need to begin healing?

• What arrangements can you start thinking about that would help create some space? (Staying over with a friend a few nights a week, etc)

• How and what can you communicate with your ex about new boundaries?

Things are always going to be a little more tricky when there are kids, pets and assets, so please be gentle with yourself.

—

If you need additional support during your breakup, please don’t hesitate to book a session with me here.