Detaching When Your Ex is Emotionally Dependent on You
Okay, I think it’s fair to say most of us have dabbled in some unhealthy relationship or codependent behaviors in the past.
After all, many of us were not modelled healthy relationships growing up, and therefore live out what we witnessed and/or experienced within our families.
And then we take that unconscious programming into our relationships and play out those dynamics.
Trust me I’ve been there, and that’s why I’m excited to share these insights with you.
Codependency is a serious topic, and truthfully this is the first time I’m really writing about it, even though I’ve lived a lot of my life being codependent (from both the enabler and highly dependent side of the relationship actually!).
Today I want to talk about the things you might be doing during your breakup or with your ex that might not be serving either person in the relationship (ahem, I mean ex-relationship).
As a conscious breakup coach, I see daily that there’s no doubt most of us don’t really know how to go through a breakup, after all, there’s not really a road map, especially with every relationship being so different.
This article is meant to illuminate what I have seen to be considered codependent and unhealthy, so you can begin to clear what’s no longer working for you. The first step is always awareness, and today I’m also sharing actionable steps and journaling prompts to help you go deeper in order to detach in a healthy and conscious way.
Of course, please solicit the help of a professional if you find you struggle with codependent behaviors and want further support.
Alright, let’s dive in.
HAVE YOU called yourself your ex’s therapist, life coach, nurse, caretaker, etc?
Whether you actually are a nurse, teacher, caretaker or aspiring to be one, you are still not your ex’s caretaker.
“BUT—”
No. Not during the relationship, and not after.
You’re your ex’s ex-partner.
Partner, not emotional support animal. (Just heard that one the other day I had to mention it here!)
I’ve had a lot of clients who’ve struggled to let go of ties in fear of what that will do to their exes’ mental, emotional or physical health.
And this is how you know there’s codependency involved.
And today I’m only sharing from the perspective of the—let’s say—“enabler” as opposed to the person in the relationship who’s highly dependent.
A few key signs I see in codependent relationships:
When you unconsciously attract and keep those in your life in order to feel needed
When there is a level of relationship or emotional “addiction” playing out
Or simply, when you allow those to be highly emotionally dependent on you
Often the thing with codependency is that you don’t know that’s who you’ve invited into your life, until you’re out of the relationship and suddenly you THINK (keyword “THINK”) that the emotional stability of your ex lies in your hands, and your hands alone.
The truth is that your ex needs to take control of their life, and solicit the help, support and guidance of a professional if they are in a position of mental or emotional fragility.
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You can offer to help them find a therapist, or a support group, but it’s not your job to stay in the relationship (even if you declared it a breakup already but continue to talk daily) out of fear of what they might do to themselves.
It’s also not your job to be their sponsor or therapist after the breakup either. You don’t need to keep your phone glued to you and keep in touch every day to see how they’re feeling.
I know it can feel terrifying to begin to let go of the attachment, but you need support, too.
Not just with getting over your breakup, but letting go of your codependent tendencies so that you can find a healthy relationship where the central theme isn’t about you taking care of them.
But instead, it’s about a mutual, loving, healthy, interdependent love, where each of you are responsible for your own emotions and self-regulation.
Isn’t that what you ultimately want? If so, keep reading! I know it’s taken a lot of courage to keep reading, and I’m so grateful for that, I hope you know.
Steps you can take to detach in a healthy way
When in doubt, remember that you are doing this for THEIR highest good. There’s no doubt you love your ex, but remember that you’re also not helping them by enabling their codependency, nor are you helping yourself when you enable your own codependency, right? When you give yourself permission to detach, you give them an invitation to heal their codependency. It might feel like a lose-lose right now, but this is an extraordinary time to heal.
If you are more worried about how your ex will handle the breakup, this is completely normal. You can offer to help them in a capacity that does not involve you being their caretaker. As mentioned, helping them find an in-person or online support group, helping them connect with their family again, or seeking professional help. If they refuse that help, that is NOT your sign to continue to take on that role.
Set healthy boundaries and let them know what they are. If you would like to go without contact for the next while, let them know what that entails. If you are going to be blocking them or going off social media for the next while, let them know so they are not completely stunned by radical shifts.
Let them know you really care about them, but you need space and time to heal. That this isn’t a matter of love but a matter of emotional health and moving forward. Remember, it’s not your job to change/alter your message to avoid their hurt. Their emotions are their responsibility. Only you have control over speaking your truth and ensuring the message is said.
Exude “assertive kindness.” This is where you are confident in your new boundaries but still want respect and cherish your ex. You’re not willing to compromise what boundaries have been set by you, but you’re also communicating them with kindness/love.
Journaling prompts to ask yourself
What dynamics did I see play out in my family that led me to believe peoples’ emotions are my responsibility?
What’s the first step I can take today to detach from my ex in a healthy way?
What are the unhealthy patterns I see in my relationships? What does this tell me about how I show up in relationships?
What does “healthy” and “conscious” love look like for me?
Where do I make excuses to enable codependent behaviors?
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If there’s one message you take from today’s article, it’s that you are worthy of being a LIFE partner to someone — not just someone’s
If you would like to book a 1:1 and get guidance on your breakup, be sure to book your online session with me here.