Guys, Here's What Happens When You Don't Process Your Breakup Consciously
You’re going through a breakup, and are starting to realize that there’s something off with how you’re handling things.
As a breakup coach, it’s my honour to help people all over the world process their breakups in a healthy, conscious way. It’s also important to share information online about simple things we can do to boost our breakup, and ultimately make it into an experience that will support us for the better.
People come to me and ask, “how do I know if I’m processing my breakup correctly?” and often that answer is simple: you feel good about your choices, and you’re at peace with your feelings. This doesn’t mean your feelings disappear, it just means you’re not so disturbed by them.
On the other hand, people ask me what the “warning” signs are of not processing their breakup. Typically, this question is asked as they’ve been feeling off, and aren’t sure.
So, here are some typical things that happen if you aren’t processing your breakup in a healthy, conscious way.
You’ve started dating again, and it’s not going too well. If you’ve been told you aren’t over your ex; are ghosting your dates because you thought you were ready but aren't; or you find yourself saying, “sorry, I just don’t think I’m over my ex,” then you likely haven’t processed your breakup yet. Dating is normal after a breakup, but it doesn't mean you use it as a way to distract yourself from the hurt of the breakup. At the moment, it can feel more desirable to reach for Tinder than a Kleenex when our breakups strike, but part of the healing process is making time to actually take in what’s happening.
You get defensive when other people offer advice. As well-intentioned as our friends and family may be, I think they forget that it was hard enough to even bring up the fact we are going through a breakup, let alone hearing how we could have done better, and more. It definitely takes time to appreciate loving advice, but if you find yourself annoyed, or dismissing your friends and family’s advice, you might not be processing your breakup in a healthy way. Try and remember they are (in their own way) supporting you—even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
You keep rebounding—with your ex. Were you the one who instigated your breakup, only to take it back momentarily when you’re lonely? Let’s talk about mixed signals. My clients talk about their experience rebounding with the same ex they ended the relationship with, and it can get confusing. Often we do this because of how much we lose that comfort during a breakup. Part of going through a breakup is also about splitting ties with beliefs, people, and habits that don’t serve us anymore in this season of our life. If you find yourself returning for the sake of comfort, then it’s possible you haven’t processed your breakup in a way that will help you let go of your attachment to your ex.
You haven’t been this drunk in a while. Social support is a big part of processing a breakup and reminding you of what you still have, but if you find you’re getting black-out drunk just to numb the stress and anxiety, you might want to opt for a different coping strategy. Alcohol can seem like a quick fix, and one we often opt for, but choose wisely after one or two nights of nights you can’t exactly remember. Processing your breakup means talking about your thoughts and emotions—not numbing them.
You think working more is your saving grace. Many people jump straight into work and put that as their point of focus. This can be a good thing in many outward ways, but inside, you are likely just trying to take the focus off the pain. I completely understand this, and get the appeal. But just know that you can’t fill the void of hurt by putting in more hours at the office.
These are just a few ways to tell if you’re not processing your breakup in a healthy, conscious way. There’s no roadmap to breakups, which is exactly why I help men for work through the various stages of a breakup, so they can move forward with ease.
If you’re nodding your head along to any of these, let’s book a session together.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!