What Self-Love Really Looks Like During a Breakup
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If your friends keep telling you “you need to love yourself” during your breakup, but you have no clue what that even means or where to start, then this is the article for you.
Now, before I get into this article, I think it’s important to call out the fact that I wasn’t really a fan of that word, mostly because of the context it would be used in.
Many times I’d just be pouring my heart out to someone who would then reply with a big, “you really need to love yourself more” slap in the face.
Ouch. What does that actually mean, though? I’d think to myself. Of course, the proud matchmaker in me at the time (yep, the kind you see on TV!) didn’t bother to ask. I didn’t want to look like I didn’t know what I was doing, or seem like I wasn’t the “expert” people thought I was.
For most of my life, I thought the word “self-love” was a woo-woo term; you know, something you find on a 10-day yoga retreat to Bali when you’re trying to “find yourself.”
What I realize is that self-love, or lack thereof, can be found in how you talk to yourself.
In this article, I’m addressing 7 different areas you might be in need of more TLC, and how to do that.
Ready?
#1: Accept that you’re not fully responsible for the split
Here’s my theory. There are two types of people when it comes to assuming responsibility for the breakup; those who struggle to see their part in the downfall, and others who are too hard on themselves and truly believe it’s all their fault.
I often find it’s the latter who find their way to articles like these.
Here’s the thing: even if you did things you regret, relationships and breakups are a two-way street.
Sometimes we get so caught up in thinking that if we had just “not said anything” or “didn’t make that last call to them” then you’d still be together.
Not exactly. In my experience, these situations are just the cherry on top. And in these cases, it’s not an “if” question—but when. I’m sure there were many times in the past you stopped a bigger fight from happening, or you were the one who held things together for as long as you could, but this specific instance mostly likely needed to happen.
Self-love is about recognizing where you don’t need to hold onto stuff (thoughts or feelings) that don’t serve you. And thinking that everything that went wrong in the relationship is your fault is just a subtle way of showing you that it’s time to give some of that responsibility back to your ex.
Ask yourself, “where are they responsible in all of this?” or “where am I being too hard on myself right now?”
And, to really get into self-love mode, list off all the ways you actually improved this person’s life. You probably gave so much of yourself to the relationship but haven’t given yourself the credit you deserve for it.
Maybe you sacrificed a lot to make your ex happy, but they weren’t willing to receive your love. Maybe you inconvenienced yourself a lot of the time just to spend more time together. You gave a lot to the relationship, you just can’t see it until you give yourself permission to.
Give yourself credit now. That’s self-love.
#2: Remember to give yourself permission to feel however, whenever, wherever and with whomever
There’s this really weird idea going around that we can only have feelings during specific times, like when we’re alone and have a perfectly free night to cry our eyes out.
Like we can only actually be a real human being outside of work or fun-time hours.
But the reality is that we don’t control when we feel triggered; I know this because it only takes one old photo on your phone while on your lunch break at work, or one quick glance of a happy couple on the bus on the way to work, to completely set you on a tailspin.
One minute you’re totally fine, the next—you’re trying the techniques you found on Google to help hold in your tears and prevent them from falling out of your eyes. (True story.)
We feel when we feel. Period.
But we judge ourselves so much for having feelings, and crying at the “wrong” times.
We feel bad that we’ve wrapped other people into our “drama,” and we uninvite ourselves to outings because we think we’ll just bring down the vibe.
We forget it’s okay to be human sometimes. If only we didn’t live in such an emotion-phobic world.
Give yourself permission to feel how you feel in any moment, and not just the ones where you’re alone at home in your PJs watching Ozark.
#3: Accept and forgive yourself for picking someone like them
There comes a moment in every breakup when we say, “I can’t believe I fell for someone like that” or “I can’t believe I stayed for as long as I did with them” and it leads us to a lot of shame and resentment towards ourselves.
Every relationship comes with its own set of lessons, and your job isn’t to punish yourself for keeping your heart open to someone who may not have deserved it.
I don’t know many people who don’t have at least one horror relationship story to tell.
That includes me.
Several weeks before I met my fiancé, I was casually dating this person who was so off from anything I wanted in a partner (and I mean so off that I was too embarrassed to really tell my friends all the details), but I dated him because my self-esteem was at an all-time low (of course I wasn’t fully conscious of this yet).
When I finally woke up and saw where my low self-worth led me, I cut things off immediately.
In that moment I realized that sometimes I need to hit bottom to get me back on track towards what I do want, and more importantly—what I deserve.
I had to love myself through this experience in order to see this insight, otherwise I’d just be focused on how I’m hopeless with men and won’t ever find someone amazing for me.
But of course, it’s totally okay to have those thoughts too; you’ve just got to balance them out with self-love talk, and hopefully return to those loving thoughts sooner than later.
That inner voice inside of me at the time—the one that was gentle and kind—is what gave me the courage to introduce myself to my fiancé a few weeks after all this. I could have sworn off men for a while, or punished myself for picking “bad” men, but I just told myself that this was a lesson I’m meant to learn along the road to my future husband.
And turns out, that voice was right.
Give yourself permission to have many lessons come about during your breakup. It’s ultimately leading you to the partner you’re meant to be with.
#4: Give yourself permission to let go of what you “know” you should do during your breakup
When I was going through my big breakup after 2.5 years together with my ex, and working as a professional matchmaker at the time (cue the irony!), I thought I had to do my breakup the “right” way and follow all the rules I absorbed through the industry, books, and online articles. Plus, I was into personal development, so I knew a lot about self-help.
But, I would override my emotions for a logically-sound take on the situation, and would continue to tell people I was totally fine (not just fine) because I was the one who instigated the breakup (and apparently some experts online claimed that that makes the breakup much easier…not the case as I would eventually learn).
I was so caught up in my false reputation and need to show people I was empowered and okay that I actually delayed my grieving process.
I was stuck in my ego thinking that because I knew what I “should” do during my breakup (i.e. stop talking to my ex, distance myself from social media for a while, tried new things, focus on work) that I completely shut down the human experience of the pain I was going through.
I’ve learned that just because we “know” what to do, doesn’t mean it’ll stop us from feeling how we feel. Feeling through our experience, instead of trying to bury it inside for an ego-based reason.
Healing isn’t about knowing what to do and then doing it. It’s about accepting how we feel and going though our own process.
Even someone in your exact same shoes still has their own process.
In this case, having compassion for yourself—that you’re human who still has to experience life to get through it—is self-love.
Whether you’re a therapist, coach or personal development junkie yourself, you still get to be sad when life happens. You’re not immune because you teach this stuff. I’m sharing this point because I coach a lot of coaches and this comes up regularly. Don’t be like me who suppressed her way through her breakup, until I was still grieving a year later.
Let yourself be human and feel even when your knowledge for what’s happening is there.
#5: Say “yes” to yourself & “no” to peoples’ advice on what you “should” do
No self-love article would be complete if I didn’t bring up the toxic positivity going around town.
There’s another idea I think we’re all still figuring out that if you are sharing your feelings about your breakup, that the person listening should be giving you quality advice after you’re done talking.
News flash: advice resonates only after we’ve been empathized with enough, and if we have empathized to the degree that would benefit us, then you’d probably see that we don’t need advice at all. We need to feel heard, seen and understood by the person we’re sharing our intimate feelings with.
We don’t need you to tell us to read another self-help book that worked for you.
We’ll feel empowered to know what to do once we feel truly heard from you.
Other things people say you should do that you don’t have to on their accord:
“You need to leave your house and go for a walk!”
“You have to talk about it”
“You need to stop talking about them already!”
“You need to do yoga”
“You just need to get back out there!" I hear Hinge has a lot of good people on there!”
“Have you tried meditation?”
“You should read this book, it helped my brother-in-law!”
“You really should turn Netflix off it’s so bad for your eyes!”
While many suggestions are said with (mostly) good intention, what you do is up to you today.
Sometimes that donut is therapeutic, or that 12-hour Netflix binge is exactly what you need to decompress. You’re the expert of your mind, body and soul, so ask yourself what you need next time.
#6: Be open to the imperfect journey you’re on
This is a big one. I’m calling it the “imperfect journey” while you’re calling it the “43 texts at 2:00 a.m. I sent this morning saying some of the most savage things I’ve ever said to my ex.
Forgive yourself for it.
You were angry, and deeply hurt, and completely devastated by what happened.
And sending those texts (or making those calls) happens to the best of us. THE BEST.
Like the theme of this article, you’ve got to still forgive yourself even when you blow up and cross your own line. You can’t punish your way through it.
We say a lot of harsh things we’re angry and broken into pieces.
Let those moments where you think you made “mistakes” guide you towards more self-compassion and self-love.
Sometimes we hurt so badly inside that the best way (in our minds) to release it is to send a scathing email listing off all the things we hate about our ex (and maybe we throw in how dysfunctional their family is too).
If this doesn’t describe you, then maybe you didn’t send the emotionally-charged emails but you told all your friends you were totally over your ex and feeling good for the first time in a long time, but two days later you ended up getting triggered and calling your ex to try and get back together.
Now you’re embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid to tell your friends when you need them the most.
Forgive yourself for going through the confusion and emotional process of being a human during your breakup.
Breakups aren’t about trying to do all the right things (I know, you can totally see the same themes in everything I’m saying now) because sometimes you just need to make all the mistakes, say all the things, only to get you where you ultimately need to be.
I remember I was having this amazing summer’s night on a boat with my friends and feeling SO good…when I decided to text my ex and invite myself over. Well…he respectfully declined my invitation and I felt so embarrassed.
But I picked myself back up, and said, “maybe this is a blessing” and not too long later I’m glad that night never happened.
#7: Remember that the timeline of your breakup is just an illusion
“I thought I would be over things by now” I hear you saying.
“Why do I still love them when they were horrible to me?”
“It’s been three months since the split but we only dated for three weeks so why can’t I let it go?”
Healing from a breakup—short-term or long-term—isn’t a mathematical equation.
I have no idea who made up this idea that you should be good to go after a breakup after a certain period of time but it’s screwing with our heads.
Give yourself permission to process your breakup on your own timeline. That is the true essence of self-love right there. Don’t beat yourself up for taking “longer” than you expected.
Don’t listen to the article with experts who claim they know—they don’t. They don’t know you, or your story and what you’ve been through. They’re guidelines at best—toxic at worst.
We live in a society where we need to be results-oriented and be bound to deadlines; but a breakup does not follow those rules.
You heal when you heal.
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I hope you can see that self-love isn’t really anything woo-woo at all. It’s just about giving yourself permission to experience what you’re experiencing without the punishing or shaming yourself. It’s about removing those blocks of negative self-talk so you can start being gentle with yourself.
Book your first breakup coaching session with me here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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