These Excuses Aren’t Enough to Get Back With an Ex
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I hear you typing over there on Google, “should we get back together?”
But you’ve found this article, and so here we are. At least a part of you is aware you might be making excuses.
But which ones are legitimate, and which ones are just me…making excuses?
As a breakup coach, it’s important to evaluate all sides to your situation.
The side of your heart, that tells you how much you love them and why you should try and make it work (for the 9th time this year).
And then your higher-self, that tells you what’s best for you even when it hurts. It’s the wise, honest, and calm voice that speaks when you need more enlightened guidance on your situation.
Today, I’m playing the role of your higher-self. Would that be alright?
Great.
Let’s begin. I want to share five excuses you might actually think are good reasons to get back together, but really aren’t.
#1 You don’t think there’s someone better out there for you
It’s commonplace to assume your ex is the best you’ve ever had, but was your ex enough for you?
Whenever my clients bring this point up, they justify it with, “but they were a pretty good partner though,” and then I say:
Were they good enough for you?
Phrasing it this way instantly brings them to the moments in their relationships where things weren’t good enough for them specifically. After all, you can be a good partner, but it doesn’t mean they’re the right partner for you.
I got stuck here throughout my last breakup, and looking back I can clearly see my “desire” to get back with my ex was really just a sneaky way my mind was trying to avoid the fear of being alone.
Is this the case for you?
I find the driving force behind wanting to get back because there’s “no one else out there” is really just a fear that you won’t find someone who meets your needs, so you find yourself willing to reconsider settling for the person who wasn’t meeting those needs in the first place.
Whether you’re 21 or 51, you have ample time to find someone who will meet your needs and satisfy your relationship desires. I know many couples who found love later in life, and found love even when they found they never would.
But the first step to finding the right kind of love for you is to set the bar higher than you have been. What areas do you feel yourself settling? Start there.
#2 You’re bored and social distancing is real
I know: if there’s anything worse than social distancing, it’s social distancing during a breakup.
Now, I haven’t gone through a breakup during a global crisis, but I certainly know the feeling of wanting to text my ex when my Saturday is completely free and the rest of the world is busy.
But boredom has to be one of lowest vibrations to bring your ex back into your life.
When I was 19, I got back with an ex literally out of boredom. Let me tell you how it ends: he got his hopes up, and within 24 hours of getting back with him, I completely remembered why we had broken up.
Guess what? I broke up with him because I got bored of the relationship. So if you are over there, reading this, and being like, “yes I was kind of tired of being in a relationship with this person,” then getting back out of boredom is so not for you.
Take this time of social distance to get meaningful distance from your ex and process your breakup.
FREE SELF-CARE WORKBOOK FOR BREAKUPS HERE
Give yourself permission to turn inward during this time.
In fact, many people I’ve talked to recently are actually giving themselves permission for more self-care and relaxing. There isn’t as much pressure to go to parties with a +1 and feel that gap on not having a partner by your side.
Hey, we could all use a silver living to our breakups, right?
#3 It was only bad when things were bad, otherwise things were pretty good
I hear this sentence so often in the context of toxic or abusive relationships.
The good never outweighs the bad in these kinds of relationships.
If you fight and it’s physically or emotionally/mentally abusive, it doens’t matter how awesome the snugglefests were.
If you seem happy when you two are out and it’s a beautiful day outside, but when you get home and your partner is criticizing you and calling you bad names, then the good really isn’t good enough, is it?
This week I was in session with a client who asked whether or not there’s still a chance to work on her relationship. She brought up the manipulation tactics her ex used on her, and wondered if they were in fact tactics, or just him trying to get her attention in passive-aggressive ways.
My response: neither seem optimal to continue being in a relationship with this person.
This is why we all need a good therapist or coach during a breakup, because they’ll help us uncover the patterns that might be keeping us in toxic relationships. Reach out to me if you feel you need extra support here, otherwise I can recommend a good therapist.
#4 They’re saying all the “right” things
“He’s booked an appointment for therapy next week.”
“He admitted he has issues.”
“She said she’ll try stop being so jealous next time.”
While all these are good signs towards personal progress, it doesn’t mean you need to jump back into a relationship with them.
Wait for them to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
This might sound really pessimistic, but people don’t change because they had one session, or because they said they would be more open next time.
They change when you feel and sense the change in them.
After all, you’re the one in the relationship with them, so you need to feel that change, and not just hear it.
When I talk to my clients, I often ask, “did you feel you believed them in the moment when they said whatever it was you wanted to hear?” And they’d say no.
Some clients reach out when they want to talk about how unsettled they feel despite hearing what it is they thought they wanted to hear from their ex.
One of the big themes I see is that that unsettling feeling is their intuition talking to them, and it’s saying that their ex’s words are hollow, and to be careful.
It’s not enough for them to just say what you want to hear. Action needs to be taken on their part.
By hey, you might have been raised to give people the benefit of the doubt, or you might desperately want the relationship to work and you think (not feel) this is progress.
I totally get that; but you don’t want to be in a relationship with empty words. I know many people who relied solely on empty promises and therefore denied their intuition because they really wanted things to work out and it was just easier to deal with things next time they came up. But that results in another few years, and the relationship stayed stagnant.
Give your ex time to actually shift for you, instead of taking them back right away without any sign of change.
You’ll know they’ve changed when you feel differently.
#5 You’re doing a lot of inner work, but…
Breakups are a time for deep reflection, but there are a lot of people who just jump from one relationship to the next without that postmortem analysis.
If you’re the one reading all the books, hiring a coach or therapist, and trying to spend your time uncovering your ex’s issues without them trying to do the same for themselves — you probably shouldn’t get back with them.
You aren’t responsible for their healing. You’re only responsible for yours.
I had a client over a year ago tell me that just before she and her ex ended things, he went to talk to someone professionally and they had recommended a book for him to read. Guess what happened? She immediately went to the book store to pick up 2 copies of the book. She read it in 2 days and he never even glanced at it.
Basically, she did all the work to uncover his issues for him.
But when did that become our responsibility?
Stop doing their work for them. I know especially for women, it’s romantic to try and get your partner to open up, but eventually they need to prove to you that you are worth doing the work for. Right?
I bet you’ve done a lot more than just this work to keep your relationship together, but what happens when you take your hands off the wheel? The relationship collapses, right?
That’s because no relationship can stay healthy and consistent if both partners aren’t fully in it.
I know you want the relationship to work, but getting back together and making the relationship work is a two-way street.
You can’t be the one putting in all the work.
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So, to recap, don’t get back with your ex if:
You think there’s no one better out there for you
You’re bored
They were toxic as hell
They’re only talking the talk
You’re doing all the work for them
There are a lot of good reasons to get back together, but I wonder if today you needed a reminder that you’re on the right path and in need of sticking this breakup through. After all, there is a reason you committed to reading through this whole blog.
Maybe you promised yourself that you’d commit to staying true to you, and I’m so happy you took the time today to give yourself that.
Thank you for taking care of you.
If you need any support along your breakup journey, reach out to me here.
Book your first breakup coaching session with me here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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