How Do I Stop Overthinking? — Ask a Breakup Coach

Welcome to my segment of conscious breakup advice where I answer your popular relationship and breakup questions in bite-sized and practical ways. As a conscious breakup coach, I’m here to share what I know in hopes that it reaches you exactly when it’s meant to.

So, if you’re overthinking like crazy over there, which you PROBABLY are, searching the internet high and low for answers, then you’ve come to the right corner of the internet.

But let’s get something straight here, which is clarifying what overthinking actually is.

To be totally honest with you, I’m not a fan of the word “overthinking” because it’s extremely invalidating.

It suggests, from my perspective, that your situation is small and you shouldn’t be thinking so much about it.

But, if you’re thinking a bunch about something, chances are, it’s creating an internal wave that has you thinking A LOT about your breakup, your ex, or your entire relationship.

So, instead of us saying you’re “overthinking” let’s change that to “thinking a lot.”

You’re not overthinking, you’re just thinking a lot, or “ruminating.”

Okay, so now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about why our brains get stuck in these obsessive thought loops.

It’s because it’s trying to solve an issue. It literally thinks there’s an issue to solve.

And it will not stop until that solution is presented, tried and tested.

BUT HERE’S THE THING.

You might be replaying old scenarios in your last relationship where you’d wished you said or done something different.

You might be creating new situations in your mind about what you would say if you could have a face-to-face convo with your ex.

But this is all stemming from the fact that you think there’s a problem that needs to fixed, right here and RIGHT NOW.

You’re like, “Nancy, what the heck OBVIOUSLY there IS a problem, and I’m so freaking anxious and the only way to fix my anxiety is if I come up with something that makes me feel better.”

Now, don’t click out of this article yet, because I really want you to get this on a deeper level.

But what, might I ask, is the problem?

“My ex blocked me.”

“My ex isn’t really talking to me anymore.”

“My ex thinks I’m crazy.”

If your problem is any of the above, let me explain something.

You can’t force someone to do something they’re not ready to do, and you certainly can’t change someone’s mind no matter how bad you think you need to (trust me I know the feeling).

You can’t force someone to see you in a different light.

Chances are, you’ve already tried to apologize.

You’re already tried to reconcile.

But they weren’t open or ready for it.

The ball is OFFICIALLY in their court.

You don’t need to keep going back and looking for solutions—that’s what you’ve BEEN doing.

Now you need to detach.

Detach from the belief that this is your fault when clearly, you’ve tried to make your peace.

And they’re not responsive, at least not in the way that would bring you closure.

So, my advice is to give yourself permission to detach and let them come to you when they’re ready.

BUT, tell yourself that you’ve done what you can, and that you don’t want to control them.

You want them to come to you when they’re ready, because you trust that they will come to you to have that conversation when they’re ready.

In the meantime, you’ve got to trust the process. Relationships are a two-way street, and no single partner is to blame.

Give yourself permission to let go of the constant need to find solutions because even though it might feel productive in the moment, all it’s doing is consuming you.

It’s not actually creating what you want, which is most likely inner peace.

Inner peace can be a choice, and I have found it through the art of letting go.

Letting go of needing to be understood.

Letting go of the need to maintain a certain persona to others.

Letting go of outcomes based in fear.

So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to decide right now, that you’re choosing inner peace.

That you’re no longer going to be consumed by these disastrous thoughts.

That you’re actually a very authentic, kind, loving human being who deserves a break from the pain of what this breakup has caused you on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level.

That you’re okay to detach.

That it’s safe, and crucial, to detach.

And that the best outcomes occur when you let people come to you when they’re ready to talk.

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I hope this message was exactly what you needed to hear. If you are looking for 1:1 support, be sure to book a session here.

If you’re looking for a deeply transformative program to support you during your breakup, check out my 21-Day Meditation Journey to Heal Yourself During Your Breakup.