Here's Why You're Making Excuses For Your Ex's Inconsistencies
“WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM!?”
It’s 8pm on a Sunday night and you’re on the phone with your bestie for the 34th time this week and she’s just dropped this gem of a sentence into the conversation.
You’re trying to figure out why your ex is being the way they’re being.
You’re still trying to make it work “as friends," despite their efforts and it’s as if your best friend is going to bat for you.
It’s almost like they’re more invested in your wellbeing than you are.
Maybe you and your ex have had these weird, semi-inconsistent conversations about trying to be cordial or “friends.”
You’ve already had “The Talk” but yet…you’re still...talking.
But it’s really confusing.
You’re still trying to put the pieces together.
Your best friend is passionate about you accepting that the relationship is OVER and you don’t need to keep trying to be in touch with your ex.
What’s going on?
Why can’t you see what your best friend sees?
You feel defensive. They weren’t all that bad, you try to explain.
(We all know that line isn’t exactly the prize vocab you were looking to describe your life partner with but here we are!)
So as your conscious breakup coach, I’m here for you.
Here to give you a little more insight into what might be going on in that mind of yours.
Because, oh my, I have been there…one too many times. And I wished someone would have just told me what might be going on instead of telling me what I “should” do.
(While we’re at it—why does it create such an AVERSION in us when our friends try to tell us what we should do in our relationships when we know they’re so well intentioned?! We’ll get to that another time.)
So here’s what might be going on below the surface:
Underneath those excuses, is a deep fear of loss and sadness.
A deep fear that maybe they aren’t right for you, and that without those excuses keeping you interested and focused on them, that you’ll actually have to feel that sadness.
And if you felt that sadness, you’d have to face your other fears:
“What if there’s no one better out there?”
“What if I NEVER find love like this again?”
“What if they ARE the best I can do?”
Underneath the surface of your excuses for their dismissive, unresponsive, unwilling and inconsistent behavior, is just…fear.
But let me tell you something I tell everyone I speak with who is battling between THIS current state you’re in (constantly holding onto your phone in hopes your ex texts you or unable to focus on ANYTHING else aside from your ex in hopes of trying to get back together):
Your mind might think that this level of rumination is helpful and even productive, but it’s far more painful than taking the first step to accepting that maybe it’s time to energetically let your ex go.
Let me say that another way—how you’re feeling right now—trying to hold onto them—is actually more painful than actually taking the first step to letting them go.
Living in this limbo is crippling. And you know that.
But letting them go doesn’t mean block them or say goodbye through text.
It means setting them free from your mental and emotional attention.
And trust me, I get it. I know you two had a really meaningful relationship so of course you’re going to try to do all you can to keep the relationship going.
But look what’s going on here: You’re not sleeping well, you can’t take your focus off what they’re doing or what they’re thinking and you haven’t eaten a proper meal in quite some time.
Right now, it’s literally hurting you in every way to keep going like this.
Right?
Right. Your mind is going to tell you it’s better to be energetically connected to them than face that fear that’s underneath the surface.
But once you take that first step and see that how you’re innocently going about this is actually causing sooo much turmoil, you’ll see that it feels so much healthier to just surrender to what’s actually going on instead of trying to keep yourself connected to your ex through making excuses.
Whenever I did this after my breakups, I could feel myself breathe again.
I could actually breathe. I stopped ruminating, too.
There’s nothing quite like the first breath after deciding that I can’t just ruminate all day to keep me unconsciously invested in a relationship that feels extremely one-sided right now.
(And I know—you’re not consciously ruminating.)
So…choose the first step today towards acceptance.
Decide you’re done making those excuses. Being the one continuing/instigating the conversations. Being the one trying to “make it work” as friends.
Give yourself permission to breathe again.
—
I hope this article found you in a timely manner and you feel more empowered to choose yourself even when it’s hard <3
If you’d like to get more support, please feel free to book me here.
If you need DAILY guidance and support, check out my 16-day series with healing messages and support from me—a conscious breakup coach!
Get the full details below <3
What’s next?
If you’re feeling called and need to talk through your relationship, Book a self-love session today.
—
Thank you so much for making time to care for yourself today. Let this article sink in and feel free to return to it whenever you need it. And join the conscious breakup collective if you haven’t already where I give conscious breakup advice & go live!
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!