9 Painfully Accurate Stages of a Breakup, According to a Breakup Coach
Stage 5 is the realest it gets.
So, you’re going through a breakup.
And now you’re..here.
Trying to make sense of things.
(And maybe even months into the breakup but who’s keeping count.)
The emotional rollercoaster has been so extreme since the breakup that you can’t even keep up.
So, you turned to Google to give those answers, and here we are.
Now, just to share with you, I’ve seen a lot of these blogs online, and they’re all so vague—and short.
Today, I felt like giving you the total play-by-play you’re going through.
Because sometimes just reading about yourself is extremely therapeutic and makes you feel like you’re not totally crazy for going through these motions.
So come with me on a journey into your own mind while I share 9 stages you might be going through (or are ABOUT to be going through).
…again, all in the name of NOT feeling crazy.
As a conscious breakup coach, I’ve worked with hundreds clients from the moment they end their relationship to months after so I can share with you what the first-month experience looks like.
So, let’s jump right in.
Stage 1: oh sh*t did that just happen?
This stage is clearly the first.
You’re having an out-of-body experience because you can’t believe what just happened.
Did you really just break up?
You’re in disbelief. Yet, numb. You want to cry but you’re afraid all systems will come crumbling down if you do.
But then…the feelings start to creep in and you start to realize that yes…yes you did just break up.
Stage 2: how do I get them back?
So whether you got broken up with or you had to do the breaking up, your brain immediately jumps into fix-it mode.
You’re instantly regretting the breakup, and your Google searches are flooded with searches like “how do you take back a breakup” and “how to get back together.”
You try to text your ex that you don’t want it to end, but they don’t seem to agree.
You’re shocked.
Overwhelmed.
The flood gates have opened because you’re aware not only is the breakup real…but they don’t want to get back with you.
Stage 3: I’m a wreck
You feel helpless that you can’t do anything to get them back. They’re refusing, and that means you have to accept the breakup.
Cringe.
But to accept the breakup, you’ve got to deal with the breakup.
And that means…crying.
Crying to your favorite song.
Last movie you two watched together.
Thinking about what you’re going to do now.
Feeling lost, confused. Watching the thoughts spin round and round in your head.
But then feeling…just plain angry.
[By the way, if this is completely resonating with you and you need loving support and guidance to get you through this fresh breakup, check out my Getting Through This subscription for 16 days of breakup coaching and healing messages to be your loving companion during your breakup.]
Stage 4: Actually…THEY we’re NOT good for me. Good riddance they’re gone.
Okay, so after crying yourself into a slumber, your emotional exhaustion brings you to a new stage in the beginning breakup process: How DARE they?!?!?!
Your emotions have taken a turn…one that feels empowering…almost.
You’re suddenly able to pull all of these different memories of them not being able to show up for you the way you needed.
They couldn’t even do the littlest of things for you.
They didn’t spend enough time.
They were cheap when you went out to eat.
Their friends were not supportive of your relationship.
It’s all coming back to you. And you feel like you know what, maybe this WAS a good decision.
You call 5 friends to talk about all their slimy ways, and you all come to an agreement that this was the best decision.
Ah, breath of fresh air.
Until…
Stage 5: I miss everything about them
At this stage, you’re romanticizing the crap out of them.
All their quirks and idiosyncrasies—they’re all suddenly appealing.
Suddenly, you’d give anything to have them back.
Anything.
A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Take all the blame.
Take back how much they hurt you.
And agree that maybe you were too needy and you’d stop that if you could just get back together.
And now you want to call your friends. But they’re so confused because you just finished feeling SO empowered when you listed off all the ways they were wrong for you.
You’re back to being confused.
And your apartment feels emptier than ever.
Stage 6: how could you do this to us?
So, between being totally confused, but also sad AND angry at the exact same time, you send a SCATHING text to your ex.
You’re angry they didn’t fight for you—especially after EVERYTHING you did to keep the relationship together.
You’re listing off how they didn’t value you enough.
Didn't see your worth.
You’re mentioning that they’ll regret their decision one day, and you won’t be around to take them back.
You sent that text with anger but also a little smile on your face because you stood up for yourself.
So you think. They need to hear this, you convince yourself.
But then…
They don’t even reply.
Not right away. And if they do, it’s short.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Excuse me? YOU’RE sorry I feel this way? You BLEEPING MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY!”
You’re now livid.
Stage 7: Delete, delete, delete, delete
You can’t even fathom the level of anger you’re experiencing.
Your mind starts to speak up:
How could they put this all on me?
Screw it—I’m deleting all our photos and erasing them off Facebook and instagram.
If they don’t get what they did, then I sure as hell don’t care.
I’m done.
* BLOCKS THEM *
Stage 8: They don’t care about me. They never cared about me.
This is the stage where things get really self-deprecating that no one ever talks about.
You start to wonder if they ever even cared.
You wonder “why did they bother dating me in the first place?”
And think to yourself “how do they have NOTHING to say to me right now?”
How can they just walk away so easily?
You’re flabbergasted.
You’re angry.
You’re heartbroken.
You want to scream so hard your lungs explode and your throat shatters.
You feel…powerless.
Stage 9: The only way out is through
After the emotional kicking and screaming, the scathing texts, the hourssss on the phone with friends, just talking it out, repeating the exact same story to everyone, you’re…exhausted.
(So are your friends.)
You can’t keep doing this.
Your body won’t let you keep up this constant answer-seeking, emotional limbo.
You need…rest.
You need to stop trying to figure it out.
You need to take care of yourself.
You’ve got to let go, your body demands.
So you do.
You figure out that self-care is a huge pillar to going through a breakup.
You start to pick up the take-out menus from the floor.
You stop listening to that song on repeat that instantly makes you cry. (Damn you Olivia Rodrigo!!)
You give yourself permission to go through this, and not avoid the pain.
A sense of initial acceptance creeps in.
You’re not happy about it, but you’re doing it for….you.
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I hope this article gave you a sense of “wow, so other people go through literally the exact same motions as me? Thought I was the only one going crazy.”
I get it. And I’m happy to share my breakup coaching insights with you. <3
The first month of a breakup is incredible hard, which is exactly why I made a 16-day subscription to be your faithful companion that provides breakup guidance, support and healing messages every day to get you through. Check out the full details here.
What’s next?
If you’re feeling called and need to talk through your relationship, Book a self-love session today.
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Thank you so much for making time to care for yourself today. Let this article sink in and feel free to return to it whenever you need it. And join the conscious breakup collective if you haven’t already where I give conscious breakup advice & go live!
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!