FEBRUARY 2021 BREAKUP Q&A — How to Stop Ruminating, Letting Go of Self-Blame & Self-Care VS Self-Love
Welcome to February’s Q&A! I haven’t done a Q&A in MONTHS and it’s time to compile the THREE biggest questions I got asked in hopes that this will serve you today.
As a conscious breakup coach, I want to help you get over your ex in a healthy, conscious and mindful way, so I’ll share what’s helped me and others in our breakup journeys.
Q
How can I stop ruminating over the past?
A
Firstly, let’s talk about why we ruminate: it’s the brains way of finding safety in a situation. In this case—our breakups and the fact that we are no longer with our ex. Going over the why’s, what-ifs, and but-how-can-Is are all your brains way of seeking mental and emotional safety. When this happens, take a moment to acknowledge that you are in fact in fear-mode, that your mind is attempting to feel safe, and take a deep breath (or 5) to reset. My 21-day meditation healing breakup journey does a deep dive to help you with ruminating thoughts and find that inner peace when your relationship ends.
Q
How can I stop blaming myself? The more I self-reflect, the more I feel I was the one who caused the breakup.
A
The way I see it is that there’s healthy self-reflection, as in taking accountability for your share in how things happened over the course of the relationship, and then straight up taking all the blame with little regard as to how your ex contributed. The key here is adding more self-compassion into these internal conversations to create a balance.
In these moments where you might not even realize you’re blaming yourself and putting all this pressure to “fix yourself” or figure it out, remind yourself of all the loving and wonderful things you DID contribute to the relationship, and how you DID show up. When you see through the lens of love, you see clearly. When you see through the fear, regret, sorrow and anger, you only fuel it and feel unsettled in your body, mind and soul. Meditating is a really powerful way to channel your self-compassion and build that self-awareness to catch yourself caught up in self-blaming thoughts.
Q
Everyone keeps telling me to “self-care,” but I’m doing that and it’s not really helping. What should I do?
A
I love this question because I see as a society we throw around the word “self-care” without talking about the intentionality of what self-care is (granted I’m so happy that self-care is becoming more prioritized now as we lead extremely full lives). And I definitely have asked this in the beginning of my self-love journey years ago.
Here’s how to merge self-care and self-love: you want to check in with yourself daily and simply ask yourself “what can I do today that would be an act of love to myself?” The simple act of asking yourself what you need today is both loving, intentional and actually provides what you need in order to feel better. Self-care activities alone don’t necessarily recharge you, so that’s why adding the element of intentionality to it is where you get rejuvenated. Some days self-love is keeping your phone away from you, and other days it’s watching a full movie while you’re taking a bath. And sometimes it’s missing a day of work to grieve and journal. The important thing is that you’ve checked in with yourself to actually ASK YOU what you need.
Thank you for reading xo
Nancy ruth deen