I Surveyed 50 People on the Best and Worst Breakup Advice They Were Given, Here’s What I Learned
As a breakup coach, I’m talking to people about their breakups. (Duh.)
A memorable moment for me was when I asked a woman what the worst piece of advice she’d even gotten was, to which she replied, “where do I begin?”
If you’re going through a breakup, you’ve probably been given a lot of advice on how to deal with your situation. Some of said advice you asked for, but most of it—totally unsolicited.
That’s the thing with advice, we all want to give it, but most of the time it only adds fuel to the flame.
How much of it is worth taking in and applying to our lives?
And is it even good quality advice? How do we truly know which advice is worth your time and energy?
I provide guidance to my clients, but today was a day I felt it would be worth sharing what 50 of the members of my breakup meetup group think.
They’re sharing the best VS the worst advice they’ve been given.
It often resonates to hear what others in the same situation are experiencing, versus what your married-the-first-person-I-dated friend has to say. Right?
NOTE: feel free to tally how many of these pieces of advice you’ve heard, and comment below which you’ve heard the most (or which irks you the most.)
Alright, let’s dive in.
INTRODUCING THE WORST ADVICE
“You need to get under someone to get over someone”
This classic line did not go unnoticed in the group; several people considered this to be some of the worst advice. Why do people think you can just booty-call your way out of a relationship?
“Just forget about them/just don’t think about them”
Yeah, let’s just turn off the switch in my robot-heart, shall we?
“Block them!”
This actually fell under both best AND worst advice. It begs the question: is out of sight really out of mind? Maybe, maybe not.
“Find a FWB and move on”
Okay, so, you’re getting out of a committed relationship just to hop into a non-committed relationship right after?
“There are plenty of fish in the sea”
Another classic line, but why do our family and friends think our consolation prize in the breakup is that there are other people we could date? Also, does anyone else feel totally ill thinking about being with someone else during a breakup?
“Get sloshed”
The only thing that alcohol adds to your heartbreak is a hangover. (But, we’ve all been there.)
“There’s always a chance to find another”
Is it me or does this statement make whoever’s hearing this think the clock is ticking in an unnecessary way? As a former matchmaker, I’ve paired people up in their 70s, so this statement needs to really stop.
“Just think positively”
You’re knee deep in betrayal, hurt, and anger, when someone tells you to just “think positively.” Oh right, why didn’t I think of that?
SAY HELLO TO THE BEST OF THE BEST ADVICE
“It takes time”
The classic time heals all wounds really resonated with several people in the group. Give yourself permission to work through your breakup on your own timeline.
“Block them!”
If you’re getting toxic vibes from your ex, I would agree that blocking them might just be the best first step.
“Self-care”
Amen. Go back to taking care of yourself through the breakup. Self-care helps balance out the insomnia, anxiety, lack of/hyperactive appetite, and all the other symptoms that come from heartbreak.
“Leave the past behind”
If you’re wanting to start a new chapter in your life, you’re going to want to leave the past where it belongs—in the past. And remember, your past does not dictate your future if you get conscious about what happened.
“Think rationally”
For the self-proclaimed highly emotional and sensitive, this could be helpful advice to level-out your emotions, and reduce the rumination. That said, you can’t always rationalize your way through a breakup. There’s got to be that magic word: balance.
“Get fit”
As a top go-to for several people, they really appreciated this one. There’s nothing sweeter than treating yourself to a Revenge Body like Khloe Kardashian’s. Of course, you’ll want to set your intentions more on you, than on getting even with your ex. (Okay, maybe use that as a starting point if you need to.)
“It’s not a group vote, it’s your choice”
For those of you worried what your family and friends will think of you post-breakup, remember that this is your life to live. You’ve got to make powerful decisions for yourself. Sometimes you will upset some people with your choices, but this is self-preservation we are talking about. Do you.
“Take care of yourself first”
For the people-pleaser in us, you’ll likely be trying to soothe your ex (even if they were the one who ended it!) so make sure you are putting yourself first.
“What they did to me said more about their inner self than it did about me”
I want to write this on a canvas and hang it on my wall—it’s critical that we understand this concept. We are not responsible for how people treat us; that said, we need to remember our self-worth in order to let go of the people who do not treat us the way we want to be treated in a loving and accepting relationship. As they say, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
“Love yourself first”
Again, you first. Give yourself the self-love you need.
“Keep yourself busy”
Filling up your schedule with meaningful activities is a great way to channel that energy. But, don’t be fooled by the manic I-need-to-focus-on-anything-but-the-breakup energy as you still want time to process what you’re going through. Try someone that you didn’t do while dating your ex.
“Think twice before saying/writing something you’ll regret later”
Who hasn’t said something they seriously regret? Not me. But taking 3 deep breaths before feeding your anger energy might just save you a ton of guilt. To reduce the intensity of your emotions, I recommend slowing down by pausing, deep breathing, and being conscious of your intentions.
“If [the relationship] was meant to be, it would be”
Agreed. Sometimes we forget that what’s meant to be in our lives, is in our lives. Be grateful for the people who have chosen you.
“It will get better”
Ah, the permanence of impermanence. I know it feels like it won’t get better, but it’s temporary. Nothing is permanent, and our emotions are always in flux. Welcome your emotions, and they will pass.
“Love yourself”
This definitely deserves another spot on this list.
“You can’t make someone like you”
You know when you’re practically begging for your ex to come back, when suddenly you realize it’s not your job to convince people to want to be with you? Yeah, let’s all take this advice, shall we? Once again, look at the people in your life who have chosen you. That’s who deserves a seat in your heart.
“Don’t suppress your feelings”
Let your emotions flow in and out as they will. It’s not your job to stop yourself from feeling; that only gets stored in your body and delays the healing process. Let yourself feel what you feel and it will pass.
“Be kind to yourself”
Self-compassion goes a long way in the breakup department. You want to avoid punishing yourself for the breakup. Easier said, given that most of us try and logicalize (I just made that word up) why people leave us, and the ego can be cruel to us. Give yourself more love, and be gentle on yourself. This is a huge transition for you, and you’ve got to treat yourself in a healthy, loving way.
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”
For many of us, we don’t know what we are in for during a breakup, and it most definitely is a challenge of strength, courage, and love. Know that you are such a resilient human being, and you will get through this.
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You’re probably familiar with a lot of these, so remember that you’re going to get a lot of advice as you work through your breakup.
What you need to know in order to deal with other peoples’ advice:
Take what resonates and discard the rest. Your job isn’t to follow a roadmap that someone gives you; your job is to take what feels right and let the rest go. Apply what you are drawn to, and not what someone else did that worked for them.
Just because you look up to this person in one capacity, doesn’t mean their relationship advice relates to your situation. Just because you look up to someone in their career, doesn’t mean their relationship advice is ideal for you. Instead, who do you know who has the relationship you want? Ask for their guidance in this time.
You’ll find more people just want to be heard when giving their advice, and it’s not actually about you or your breakup. You’ve probably already caught on that a lot of time, those giving you advice just want to share. This is why it’s important to take their advice with a grain of salt as opposed to following it verbatim. They might just be talking out loud, for all you know.
Beware of those who strongly encourage you to follow their advice. This point really hits home for me; I used to be one of those advice-givers back in my matchmaking days who thought her advice was the “right” advice. I realized it was really just my desire to bypass vulnerability, which—when my long-term relationship ended—I realized wasn’t a fool-proof plan. Now, I support people in processing their emotions the way they feel comfortable doing. So, be mindful of who are a little too adamant about their own advice.
Set boundaries. If you suddenly realize you’re getting a wave of unsolicited advice, don’t hesitate to say, “I appreciate your support, but I’m not willing to talk about this right now.” It can feel initially awkward to vocalize that, but you’ll save yourself a ton of overwhelm, and help others understand where you’re coming from.
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I hope this article resonated with you. If you’d like to work 1:1 together, be sure to reach out to me here for a 15-minute consultation.
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Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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