Were You In An Unhealthy Relationship? Here's How to Know (According to a Breakup Coach)
Okay, so just by you clicking on this article, there’s a chance you’re sensing your last relationship (or your ex) had some toxic or unhealthy elements to it.
As a conscious breakup coach, I’m here to share some of the critical things that I’ve seen and experienced that might just show you that your last relationship might be better off being broken off.
Because I think there’s always a part of us that does want to know “did I make the right decision?” or “was our relationship unsalvageable?”
I hope this article provides that clarity for you, because I know what it’s like to wonder.
I know what it’s like to feel “off” about what you experienced, but not know for sure if it was “unhealthy,” or if it’s just “you.”
My hope is that this article provides that trust with yourself as you navigate your breakup.
If you identify with any of these, I will have journaling questions at the end you can reflect on to support you in healing through this last relationship.
Let’s begin.
Did it feel unhealthy? This might seem so obvious, but if you feel emotionally or mentally “sick” from your last relationship, there likely was a toxic or unhealthy dynamic within your relationship. You might be in a crucial part of your healing where you realize you’ve put up with some of these destructive behaviors in all your relationships that you’re only just realizing that how you’ve been feeling is actually not okay. This is such a critical step in the healing process because you’re becoming aware of what was once hidden from you.
Were you made to believe you were always to blame? Many of my clients come to me to try to “fix” what THEY did wrong, and continue to recount all the ways they messed up in the relationship. But when I look at the content and context of the blame, it seemed a bit petty. “I wanted to spend more time with them..I pushed too hard,” or “I should have respected that they needed more time before figuring out if they wanted to be with me” even though the relationship had lasted 6 years into their 30s. If this rings true for you, it sounds more like your needs were going unmet, and the moment you spoke up about what you needed, they didn’t want to give that to you. Obviously every situation is different, but if you needed more than you were given in your last relationship, and you finally had the courage to talk about it, and they didn’t meet you with a compromise or that’s when they pulled away, that’s not a good sign of a healthy and thriving relationship. Often I see (and have experienced) that relationships keep going until one person finally says “enough it enough! I need MORE” and that’s when it all crumbles. Because that shaky foundation was dependent on your ability to submit to the needs of your partner, which in turn compromised your needs. You need to be in a relationship where both of you have a desire to meet each other’s needs.
Was your ex overly defensive? The keyword here is “overly,” because we all get defensive sometimes (I certainly do!) but if it’s getting in the way of solving any conflict or even having a conversation, then it’s a really unhealthy behavior. The person getting defensive needs to recognize they have this trait and work on it. If it doesn’t get worked on, and instead they end up blaming you, that is a bad cycle that will continue to repeat.
Did you often worry where you stood in the relationship? If you regularly stayed up at night, or often felt confused by where you stood in your last relationship, that is a terrible feeling because it means you didn’t feel that sense of trust and security on a foundational level with your ex. Thinking things are fine one minute, and worrying if they still want to be in the relationship the next is excruciating and tells me that there’s a strong chance your ex was showing up half-hearted in the relationship, or at the very least, not prioritizing you the way you needed to be. Or, not giving you the validation you needed to feel safe.
Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells? I lived a lot of my life feeling this way in my relationships, and I don’t wish this on anyone. If you were scared of saying or doing the wrong thing in fear of how your ex would react, and so you tried to always be perfect and quiet yourself to keep things at peace—I’m sorry. You deserved to express yourself freely. This can be attached to seeing chaos growing up, or a volatile parent who had outbursts that the whole family felt.
Is your ex playing mind games with you? Let me show you how to know if they are. Firstly, it feels like their words and actions aren’t aligned. They’re giving you the silent treatment but after that 5th text to them wondering what’s going on, they say “everything’s fine.” but you know it’s not. If your ex would actively post Instagram stories featuring other men or women and you sensed it was aimed at making you jealous, but when you bring it up they just say you’re “overthinking” then they’re probably playing a mind game. The key in deciphering mind games is a lack of alignment. You know when someone is being aligned, and you know when someone who’s supposed to be a sense of security is rocking that foundation because you don’t feel secure anymore. That’s your nervous system acting up communicating with you. It’s time to start trusting yourself that what you’re feeling IS true and not just made up in your head. When you start doubting your reality and wondering what’s true and what’s not—mind games are likely present.
These are just some of the signs that your last relationship or ex was unhealthy.
If you take nothing else from this article, then know this:
learn to trust your instincts when you’re in a relationship. If it feels wrong, it probably is. You know when you feel safe and secure. You don’t need to try to convince your way out of it. The first step is acknowledging that feeling that chaos is in fact unhealthy.
The second step is removing yourself from the situation and doing the inner work.
I often felt anxious and worried in my previous relationships before I met my fiance, and I had to figure out what was going on for me because I was the common denominator, after all. I put up with a lot of crap, and I realized through doing the work that I had a lot of unconscious programming that kept me in these volatile relationships.
Here are some journaling questions to consider if you’ve identified with any of the points made in this article. But know if you’re not ready yet to do the work as they can be triggering and it’s all still very fresh for you, feel free to skip and return when you’re ready.
(Please answer them with self-compassion and avoid judging yourself)
Why did I put up with these behaviors from my ex?
Do I have a pattern that shows up in most of my relationships?
What am I doing/not doing that is enabling some of these behaviors?
What excuses do I make to stay? (Fear is a powerful motivator but can lead to your staying in unhealthy relationship dynamics for a long time.)
Where did I learn it these behaviors were acceptable? What was I modelled growing up from my caregivers?
What IS acceptable in a relationship? What is not acceptable?
—
It takes time to process the grief and the pain of a relationship. Be gentle with yourself as you heal through this. Take one day at a time.
Most of my clients work with me to work through their unhealthy relationship patterns so they can take the steps to find conscious love. If you’re curious and want to work together 1:1, please book a session here.