What Does it Mean to Have an Anxious Attachment Style? *Deep Dive Series*
Brought to you by The anxiously-attached girl’s guide to getting over a breakup 16-day series. Full details here.
Welcome to Part 1 of my attachment style series to help you better understand yourself and your relationship.
You’re most likely reading this as you’ve discovered you’ve got some anxious attachment qualities, or have been told you have some * cough * needy * cough * and might need to look up what exactly it means to be like this.
Your attachment style (based on attachment theory) refers to the way in which you’re wired based on how you bonded with your caregivers (parents or otherwise) when you were young.
If a child grows up in a home where their parents were available for and responded to their emotional and physical needs, they would develop secure attachment, meaning they could unconsciously and naturally rely on their parents and that they could be trusted to love and support them. This, typically, manifests in adulthood as loving, stable and consistent, healthy relationship behaviours.
But those with anxious attachment styles grew up with one or more parents who were, in some way, inconsistent, or unavailable emotionally and/or physically.
Single parent household where one caregiver or parent is absent (divorce, separation by distance or deceased parent)
Two-parent household, but one or both parents did love and give attention but were only able to show it on an inconsistent basis (working a lot, not being attuned to their child’s emotional needs often enough/when needed, having difficulty regulating their own emotions, having a parent who had codependent tendencies they put on their child or being anxiously-attached themselves)
Because of this inconsistency, the child becomes confused, unsure of exactly when to expect love and attention. The child then internalizes this and begins craving their parent or caregiver’s attention.
That child then grows up, unbeknownst to them, now seeking attention and constant validation from the people they date (instead of feeling secure, stable and safe). This is turmoil as a result of the inconsistency, but often swept under the rug and labeled a “normal part of growing up.”
They date with an undercurrent of fear of abandonment the way they felt abandoned by their parent when they were young.
How this shows up in dating and relationships:
They might date partners who give them inconsistent love or struggle with commitment, mirroring their experience as a child (this is known as avoidant attachment)
They might settle for a lot less than they want to due to low self-worth/self-esteem (as a result of internalizing the inconsistent love as “I am not worthy of love”) , but they know no other way or don’t think they deserve a healthy relationship unconsciously
They need a lot of constant communication with their partner, otherwise they might think something’s wrong/you changed your feelings
They tend date with a “not enough” complex, therefore proving themselves in relationships and being “all in” from the beginning, so as to secure a relationship quickly and avoid fear of abandonment even if the relationship isn't healthy for them
A feeling of walking on eggshells, worried any wrong comment or action could make your partner break up with you
How this shows up in breakups
The undercurrent with which we operate a relationship can also rear it’s * ugly * head in our breakups. Our attachment style forms the roadmap to what we need to heal. I wrote this article to help those of you anxiously-attached know where to begin getting over your ex.
You might Overanalyze even the simplist message from their ex
You cycling between thoughts of feeling like you deserved more but not knowing if you could get someone better, even if your ex didn’t have a lot of the important qualities you need in a partnership
You try to “prove” you’re ok by posting on social media that you’re having a good time
You feel heartbroken one moment, and then going on a date the next, only to text your ex after with “I miss you” riding the emotional rollercoaster
I made my 16-day Getting Through This series for those of you women who feel like you’re completely heartbroken but also know you’ve got some or many anxious attachment tendencies and want to start healing in your own way—no tough love, force, or telling to “just stop thinking about him.” Get full details by clocking the button below or here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!