The *Brutal* Emotional Rollercoaster Anxiously-Attached Women Go Through During a Breakup
Brought to you by The anxiously-attached girl’s guide to getting over a breakup 16-day series. Full details here.
I don’t care what anyone says—women with anxious attachment styles are put through the WRINGER during a breakup.
Of course, we hate to admit how vulnerable we feel towards the rollercoaster of feelings that are passing through us every hour—on the hour.
Before this breakup, you thought you were relatively stable, being able to manage your emotions, understand logically why things don’t work out with your ex—but not this time.
This time, it feels like a whole new ball game.
One you really don’t want to play, but they make you because P.E is a required class in elementary school.
So here you are, in a less-than-flattering getup, in the outfield hoping the ball doesn’t go anywhere near you.
So tell me, does your emotional rollercoaster look something like this?
1) At first you were definitely sad about the breakup, but understood intellectually why the relationship ended. (They weren’t ready, you needed more from them than they were willing to give you, long distance, etc)
2) But then you got to thinking and…it’s almost like you became hyper-aware of all the things they said that made you believe the relationship was going to go farther than this. And how is it that they went from how they felt about you—to not even wanting to really talk anymore.
3) Now the relationship dynamic changed, and it feels that happened overnight. Which, to your surprise, is a lot more shocking than you thought it would be.
4) So here you are, angry that either they didn’t even try to fight for you or they just wanted to wash their hands of you. Did I mean nothing to you? You ask pointedly in your mind.
5) At this point you start wondering if WHY you two broke up is the real reason. They seem like total cowards, and you’re worried they just want to date other people.
6) You’re officially stirring, and you can’t help but feel completely stuck on this brutal rollercoaster of emotions.
7) You start consulting Google, and YouTube for the answers, anywhere from hearing YouTubers talk about their breakups, or relationship advice, to tarot-card readings. Anything to create some semblance of understanding and put you back to your normal state.
8) But it doesn’t work, because at the end of the day, you feel they didn’t deserve everything you gave to the relationship. It feels like they took advantage. And it feels like they don’t even care now.
9) So now you feel forced to move on. For your own sanity. Because you’re so aware that it feels unhealthy to still want them but know deep down they didn’t want to make it work, otherwise they’d make it work. Right?
10) So now you’re putting yourself first (yay!), creating a plan to help you move on, and doing something for yourself. Woop! You’re feeling more in control and ready to conquer this breakup. It feels like there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
11) But then… once you’re feeling better and lighter, you feel like you can see the relationship for what it was—loving, yet understandably dysfunctional. You reach out to your ex to say you get why things happened the way they did.
12) But the plot thickens as either one of two things happen: they completely agree with what you said and are happy you’re not holding any resentment towards them, or they ask to see you and/or be friendly.
13) And although these both initially sound and feel nice, you get to thinking…if things are so amicable and great between us…why can’t we just be together?
14) This infuriates you, actually. The whole rage cycle continues all over again. You can be friendly and loving towards me but just not BE with me completely?
15) You feel, once again, taken advantage of.
Ooof…Sound all too familiar?
Well, you’re not alone. I’ve felt this—a lot. I was notorious for being the person to end a relationship because it often seemed that to them, pulling away (total avoidant) was a great option.
It wasn’t. It hurt. And it hurt BADLY.
And as someone anxiously-attached, I struggled with rumination and “filling in the gaps” in situations like these where I don’t get the full answer to things. And my self-talk was usually that of low self-love. I was very preoccupied with the breakup, and losing my ability to focus on other things going on in my life.
And my secure and avoidantly-attached friends would just tell me to relax and not think so much about it.
How I wished I could do that.
And I’m sure you do too. But I wrote this article just to let you know there’s someone else out there (me) who gets it.
And that sometimes this crazy cycling through all the emotions is your way of recalibrating.
You sometimes have to get to your rock bottom to put yourself first and start filling your own cup. And you might have to go through that cycle of anger-to-empowerment 4-5 times even, which I definitely went through. But it was necessary because I was living a long life before this, always putting men ahead of myself and my priorities in life and I wasn’t going to start healing by having one epiphany.
I kept learning something new about myself with every uncomfortable emotional cycle I went through, and you will too. K?
And in the meantime, if you are feeling heartbroken, I have my 16-day Getting Through This series to carry you on your toughest days. Details are here.
