9 Questions to Ask Your Ex to Begin Healing After a Breakup (Suggested By a Breakup Coach Herself)
For those of you who have the luxury of asking your ex questions after your breakup—yay! I know that’s not always a given, especially depending on whatever boundaries are in place right now.
As a conscious breakup coach, I created a list of 9 questions to help you get intentional during your breakup and begin the healing process.
After all, to hear your ex from a place of non-judgment can be one of the healthiest things you do during your breakup.
So before you go and ask your ex these questions, I would just say that make sure you give them some warning before you go ahead and start firing off these questions.
Let them know you want to make time to talk and connect, and maybe even record the conversation for you to review it later.
And do your absolute best to allow your feelings to come up, but to not shut down as a result or get defensive. I know you’re emotionally mature enough to do this otherwise you wouldn’t have clicked on it and read this far!
Let’s dive into the questions!
1.Describe our relationship from your perspective?
Okay, I know this question sounds really vague, or that you already know their perspective, but TRUST ME when I tell you that by starting with this question, you WILL hear bits and pieces of information you never picked up before. You’ll actually hear them share positive things that meant a lot to them that you never heard before, and even things that you agree with.
This will help you get on the same page and build rapport throughout the next 8 questions.
2.What quality did you appreciate about me and how it contributed positively to our relationship?
I love this one because we often tally up all the good stuff we did that wasn’t appreciated that we forget that our partners/exes tally things totally differently.
Even though you’re broken up, the reality is that you were a meaningful contribution to your ex and deserve to have that highlighted.
3.What pattern did I often get stuck in that I could work on? What is your best suggestion for me?
Okay, now we’re getting into the “areas of opportunity” here. Often we have our own patterns, like yelling too much, walking away easily or getting defensive or jealous quickly.
Unclench those butt cheeks of yours and allow your ex to freely share (from their perspective) what you could improve on. And, ask what guidance they’d give for you to support you working through that.
Again, you don’t have to take it, but if this was a significant relationship, it could be enlightening to hear how they respond.
4.What did you learn from me that you’ll take away into your next relationship?
Yes, you of course made an impact, and this question is sure to support that.
Let yourself feel gooey inside.
5.Was there something you were too afraid to share while in a relationship with me?
Here’s where you’ll learn more about where they felt they couldn’t fully express themselves. Listen with understanding and compassion.
We ALL—in some way—have been intimidating in relationships, even if we think we’re sweet like honey. But give yourself permission to hear their response. (You see the theme here of trying to simmer our defensiveness down.)
And consider if this is a pattern that’s subtly (or blatantly) existed within your other relationships.
6.Where did I fail to see you in the relationship?
Okay, now we’re getting deeeeep.
Let me tell you that we ALL want to be seen and heard in a relationship, but we don’t always do.
Let your ex give you their vulnerability right now.
They might have a response, they might not. But this question is so important. It could be failing to see their efforts, love, affection, compromise, generosity. But let them think about this.
Chances are, they might even get emotional here. Or, they might have felt fully seen. Let them have their response and take it in fully.
7.Do you feel you truly saw me for me? If so, how? If not, why?
Okay, now it’s time to ask them the big question.
Chances are, you also did not feel seen or appreciated for you at the time. But now that you’ve had some space and time to process and are coming back to have this conversation, they’ll (hopefully) be able to provide a response that might just heal the part of you that has been aching for a long time.
8.What’s one thing we both could have done to better the relationship?
This question might intertwine with some of the questions above, but it’s good to hear their honest thoughts on what both of you could have done to make it work better.
It always takes two to tango, and this question shows that there’s not just one person to blame for the whole relationship. That both of you can (lovingly) take responsibility for your respective sides.
9.Are you glad we met?
Allow yourself to hear the response. I hope this last question brings you the closure you didn’t even know you were looking for.
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I truly hope these questions have your wheels turning, and that you decide to connect with your ex and ask these questions to gain clarity, be more intentional in your healing and provide some closure.
Comment below how it goes for you! What questions would you add?
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Thank you so much for making time to care for yourself today. Let this article sink in and feel free to return to it whenever you need it. And join the conscious breakup collective if you haven’t already where I give conscious breakup advice & go live!
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!