Stop Saying This if You Want a Healthy Relationship in 2021
It’s a #NEWYEARNEWYOU kind of vibe today and I’m addressing some thing you might be saying that is actually stopping you from finding love.
In fact, this lethal belief I’m going to share—disguised as an innocent sentence and popular piece of dating and relationship advice heard from people who’ve been together for 50 years—is what might have you lowering your proverbial relationship bar so low even if you’re reading this in your 20 and 30s.
Now, as a conscious breakup coach, who helps men and women do the inner work to let go of their ex and find a healthy relationship, I’ve seen consistencies in what my clients share about how they believe relationships should look.
The best place to begin any kind of self-healing or breakup coaching is to uncover those sneaky sentences that are full of limiting beliefs about how you “should” operate in relationships that isn’t actually you talking, but beliefs your peers, parents and society have put on your unconsciously.
And, by the way, before I met my fiancé, I was plagued with the same advice that looks legit to follow, but as I started to explore how these beliefs actually affected my life negatively, I had to look at what was going on.
Why was good advice actually hindering my ability to find and keep a loving relationship?
This belief I’m about to share today has kept you stuck in unfulfilling, glass half-empty kind of relationships for years.
Before I go further and share this simple one-liner, I want you to keep reading because it’s the mindset and energy that really matters more than the sentence itself in this article.
Here it is. The common, popular, and innocent sentence is this:
“Relationships are hard work. “
Now, you might think to yourself, “yeah, I’ve heard that, but it’s true… relationships do take work.”
And, as someone in a relationship, you do want to put work into your relationship the same way you’d do with anything else.
But that’s not the problem here.
The problem is the context in which you’re saying this.
Are you saying this as a way to stay absolutely miserable with a partner or ex who’s not giving you their half of the effort in relationship, forcing you to keep it together? Or when they’re being hurtful or toxic and justifying their actions with this sentence?
Context matters.
Here’s the thing: if you’re saying this when you’re in a happy, healthy and conscious relationship, and you have seen how much effort and love your relationship deserves, that’s one thing.
My fiancé and I are in a long-distance relationship (3 years and counting), so I’ve taken the 4-hour commute on the coach bus countless times across the border. That ride was worth it every single time. You might think that’s called “putting in the hard work,” but in my mind, that didn’t even dawn on me. It was just a way for me to get my audiobooks in and even felt like a fun road trip.
My mindset was completely different than what you might think. “Hard work” for me was actually joy, fun, and a time of productivity.
So, here’s the flip side: if you’re saying “relationships are hard work” at a time when you’re clearly aware your ex didn’t give you what you needed, or you’re the one keeping the relationship together and it’s holding on by a string—the sentence relationships are hard work is what is keeping you unhappy.
It has you believing that you’re supposed to be unhappy, and swimming upstream in an unhealthy dynamic.
That’s not right, nor how it should be for you.
Does this resonate for you?
Here’s what I want you to remember if nothing else from this article: when a relationship feels aligned, loving and mutual, it’s just how relationships are. It’s just being in a relationship.
It’s not labeled as “hard work” or any other sneaky limiting belief to keep you unhappy.
Here’s another powerful example to go farther on the topic of how limiting beliefs show up innocently.
Early last year, I met with an old friend for dinner who I hadn’t seen in a few years and she was announced she was engaged. Excited for her (given I had just picked out my engagement ring with my boyfriend at the time) I saw her face look a little…off.
I said, “that’s good news right?”
And she just said, “yeah I guess. Things aren’t perfect..but no relationship is perfect, right?”
The energy was so off. That’s not how I felt as my engagement was underway.
She began to explain things didn’t feel right, and I could see her trying to justify the future marriage, but her energy was saying something completely different.
How many times do you hear the sentence “no relationship is perfect” from people in their 70s but you assume it’s their way of saying “let’s choose each other everyday” and not in the context of stay bound to a life with someone you aren’t really happy with?
The energy and context of what you say matters.
We all have relationship beliefs disguised as “normal” things to think about relationships, but when was the last time you really investigated the things you’re saying about how relationships should be that are the direct reason you’ve found yourself stuck in relationships that don’t bring you joy?
Today, I invite you to consider the advice that’s been so drilled into your brain that you just think that’s what you should follow.
If you’ve been following me for a while, then you’ve heard me talk about how my mother used to always call me “needy” when I’d talk about the people I’d date. I’d try to explain that I wanted the person I was seeing to make plans with me in advance or want to see me immediately after I was away on a trip, but in fear of seeming needy to a partner, I’d just talk about it to my mom. My mom often said “men don’t like needy girls. You need to stop being needy.”
Guess how I showed up in my relationships because of this belief? I’d literally pretend I wasn’t needy, and then I’d never get passed date 3. Or, I’d spend a couple of years in a relationship always being afraid to express my needs.
No person should ever have to be afraid to express how they feel or want to be close with a partner.
Fortunately, through inner work—the stuff I teach my clients now—I was able to reframe that my neediness was just me wanting a vulnerable, open relationship and not being courageous enough to call that in for myself.
But I had to let go of the limiting belief my mom had bestowed upon me.
Whether you’re someone who has said relationships are hard work, no relationship is perfect, or any other belief that has you stuck in an unhealthy relationship, today, I invite you to manifest what you DO want.
To create a healthy reframe around those blocks/limiting beliefs so you can see you’re deserving of what you want. You can loosen your grip to them and invite what you do want into your life.
A positive reframe for “relationships are hard work” is: “I’m looking for a conscious relationships where the effort is two-way,” or whatever other positive affirmation is that you’re searching for.
A positive reframe for “no relationship is perfect” can be “I’m looking for a relationship where my partner loves and accepts my flaws, and I accept theirs” or whatever else comes up for you. These are so personal so choose what feels good for you.
I’d used the power of uncovering my beliefs and reframing to help me let go of my limiting beliefs in relationships and that’s how I stopped dating people who were unhealthy for me and how I found my loving, conscious and dedicated fiance. I know if you’re reading this, you’re on your way to finding everything you deserve.