How to Make Your Own Closure During a Breakup
One of the many ways Hollywood has affected our dating lives is thinking that closure is something we get when we end our relationships amicably.
I’m calling B-S on this one.
(Okay, fine, Ross and Rachel never got closure until the very last episode of the series.)
As a breakup coach, I can tell me more often than not, relationships end without closure.
That’s right.
Sometimes people just text you that they’re filing for divorce, ahem Justin Hartley how dare you do that to the ever-so-sweet Chrishell on Selling Sunset!
Sometimes you don’t even get a chance to be part of the decision-making process, and that’s a hard pill to swallow.
I was the one who ended things in my last relationship, but not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to. I felt like we stopped talking to each other and were on two totally different pages. 5 months later I asked for a completion conversation, and we had one.
I realized in that experience that I had received this magical conversation that was supposed to bring me great relief and freedom to move forward, yet everything pretty much felt the same.
Why didn’t I feel what I was supposed to feel?
It’s because closure isn’t something you get; it’s something you MAKE.
In this article I’m going to show you how to create closure yourself and feel confident about moving forward.
But why can’t my ex just have this conversation with me?
In a perfect world, like I just mentioned, you and your ex would go out for a nice happy hour and chat through the highs and lows of the relationship.
I said in a perfect world.
But the reality is that many of the people we date have difficulty having this conversation because of how ashamed they feel about what they’re doing.
They know they’ve hurt you; and for them to confront that shame and watch you deeply hurt and even cry would bring that out in them.
So you might be over there so angry that they left without a real conversation (maybe they dumped you over voice memo) but I want you to remember that some people are just so terrified of watching their own shame right in front of their eyes that they avoid it at all costs.
Sometimes they even think they’re sparring you the embarrassment of leaving after an awkward conversation, or getting fancy for a dinner out.
Does that make it okay? No. But does it help to know it’s not because you weren’t worth the conversation? I hope so.
How you can find closure yourself
Sometimes you just need to know it’s not about you that they left the way they did.
It’s not because you were unbearable to live with (I hear this often) or because they wanted to punish you, but because of how they were raised and what they saw growing up that made conflict or confrontation too scary to deal with.
That’s not your issue, but it’s worth knowing and worth my explaining twice in this blog post.
Okay, so the first step to reclaiming closure for yourself is to say this out loud RIGHT NOW:
“I’m choosing to create my own closure as of right now”
I know it sounds simple, but the first step is actually declaring your intention, and intention is a powerful tool in healing.
How does it feel saying that? Say it again.
And again.
And tell your neighbour.
This puts the control back into your hands, and that feels damn good.
Alright, the second thing I want you to do is write a list of all the things you’re choosing to walk away from now that you’re the one closing this relationship chapter.
Whether their mother drove you crazy, or you hated the way they chewed their food, write it all down.
Sometimes it just feels relieving to actually see what you’re saying goodbye to that bothered you.
Alright, done that? Now that you’re in this new, empowering energy, I want you to go do something you love.
That could be an awesome sweat sesh, or calling your friends up for happy hour.
Remember the amazing things you have going on in your life right now. Even if you’re going through a tough time, which I’m sure you are, you have good things going on, like having access to reading this article, or your ability to sit down and have some peace and quiet away from your ex’s “constructive criticism.”
Hell, to take it a step further, do something today that your ex was bothered about that you did.
Feel that freedom.
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I hope you’re feeling more empowered now than you were before you started. Remember that you’re a total badass and even though you can’t get closure from your ex, you have the power to do it yourself.
Step 1: Declare the closure
Step 2: Write down what you’re gladly walking away from
Step 3: Do things that you love today
If you need additional support during your breakup, be sure to get in touch with me!
Book your first breakup coaching session with me here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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