Building STELLAR Communication With Your Partner (Especially if They’ve Got An Avoidant Attachment Style)
Imagine being just ONE TWEAK away from an incredibly fulfilling relationship where both of you feel emotionally full.
Because you’ve found this article and are SO ready to elevate your communication style — you really are just one THAT close!
Yay!
I’ve been with my hubby for over 5 years now and it’s crazy how this small communication practice is and how big of a difference it makes.
And no, no one is asking anyone to change their personality, but just HOW you talk to one another.
This can often feel like how somebody feels when they’re being asked to change their communication style, hence why I’m bringing it up right away.
People think that their personality is interchanged with their communication style, especially when they’re talking to a partner. They might say that they are just “very direct” or blunt and not want to do any changing of that because “that’s just how they are.”
But rest assured that changing your communication style only means a HAIR of a difference in how you speak to each other, but not an actual personality change at all.
Now that we got that out of the way, here we go!
My favorite communication practice that I have to continue to remind myself of is asking my partner 3 questions before I respond with my own feedback or opinion or life experience that resonates for me.
This is where I recommend every couple start at because it requires nothing but curiosity. Sometimes it’s even helpful to have a list of questions on hand. (Keep reading for examples to help you.)
My husband often talks about questions being a currency, and I couldn’t agree with him more.
Questions—not opinions or advice—build connection.
Let me say that one more time for people in the back—questions build connection. Not opinions. Not advice.
Questions.
Okay, Iet’s move on.
Let’s take a basic example. You or your partner get home from work, and maybe it’s easy for you to say the first question like “how was work today?” And then they respond and then you reply with “yeah my work day was really YXZ too,” and the conversation carries on.
But with our NEW communication practice, what you actually want to do at that point instead of replying with your feedback right away is say:
“Oh really? How so?” Or
“Oh can you expand on that?
Or even ask something not necessarily fully related but in the same vein like:
“What was your highlight of the day?”
And then once they’ve shared that THEN ask them something about what they just finished sharing.
“That sounds _______.” (Insert emotion you’re getting from this as a point of validation)
AND THEN they finish their thoughts, and you can move onto what you want to share.
By this point you’re like NANCY THIS IS A LOT AND DOESN’T REALLY FEEL NECESSARY.
Let me explain.
It might sound like this is going to take a full 15 minutes but really this all can happen in the span of 2-5 minutes and what ends up happening internally is that you’re filling up your partner’s cup completely, and in turn then, naturally, when you then share what you want to share, they not only have a willingness to listen, but they have energy to engage with you as well and then both of your cups end up feeling very full.
What literally feels like a “nothing” or “basic” routine question turned into connection.
Maybe now you’re thinking Nancy I swear I do this and I really want my partner to start doing this. Then send them this article and let them know that your love language and it’s questions.
Make sure to validate how much they do for you in terms of other acts of love AND that you’re in a place in your relationship where you want to share more about your life and be heard because you’re wanting to build more connection this way.
This is particularly good for people with avoidant attachment who can sometimes skirt over empathy but can bridge connection by asking questions instead so their partner feels more loved by them.
And this is precisely how to build more satisfaction and longevity in a relationship.
A loving and willing partner will be willing to hear you out and implement some of these. Maybe it isn’t an overnight process, but rest assured that with time this new communication habit will form with enough practice.
Be patient. Practice together. And even have fun with both of you having questions in your hand to reference anytime your partner starts talking.
Here are some good follow up questions to ask:
“Wow, that sounds ________, tell me more.”
“Anything new that happened?”
“What did you work on today?”
“How can I help destress? (If you notice they’re stressed)
“How’s _____ (coworker) doing?”
“Did you have time to finish doing XYZ”
Yes, these questions are basic, and might not even feel like they’re making a huge impact but the truth is any question you ask will likely yield a connection even if it’s not “deep” or groundbreaking in any way.
The fact that you took the extra 40 seconds to ask 2 extra questions will help your partner feel so loved and cherished.
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I hope this article helps! Let me know by commenting how this supported you or how it helped IRL!
Please know I offer a Couples Sessions whether you have opposing attachment styles, need help bridging communication or just need to find out what the missing piece is to help you thrive in your relationship. It’s a 75-minute session.
