Your Biggest Breakup Questions Answered Counterintuitively By a Breakup Coach

As a breakup coach, of course I get asked some really deep questions. Sometimes, it’s even in the middle of a grocery aisle. True story.

Answer seeking is all part of the breakup healing process, so ask as many questions as you need to. I figured I’d write an article on some of the biggest and most common questions I get asked, and do my best to address them for you.

This article in particular was inspired by questions asked at last night’s breakup workshop in Vancouver.

How do I know the breakup was the right decision?

This is a tough question to answer, so I’ll share my perspective regardless if you were the one who instigated the breakup, or were the one who got broken up with.

If you were in the right relationship at this very moment, you’d still be in it. That’s point #1 and it might irk you to read that, but stay with me here.

Because you’re broken up right now, you’ve got important things to see about this experience. It’s not a mistake or a coincidence that the relationship ended, and I promise you—it wasn’t just “one” thing that led to the breakup. I know you might think it was “one” thing you did, but I can attest that it takes a whole domino effect over time to end in a breakup.

Your job in your breakup is to see what insights and knowledge you gain about yourself in this time through deep reflection, or working with a professional, and in so doing, it will naturally be revealed whether or not the breakup was the right decision.

Use this time to learn about yourself, and watch how things naturally unfold for you.

How do I get rid of this anger?

Anger is a normal and healthy part of grieving the loss of a relationship, as much as it sometimes (read: often) doesn’t feel like it. Underneath anger is a lot of hurt and sadness, so the more you allow yourself to be angry (by giving yourself full permission to feel your feelings without judging them) you will see the insight you need to see.

Many of us get stuck in the anger phase as we either:

a) judge ourselves for being angry: “I am not an angry person, but my ex made me this way!”

b) judge our ex for hurting so bad “it’s their fault I am so angry!”

c) suppress or avoid our emotions as they make us very uncomfortable (because no one teaches us how to feel our feelings)

Again, all three scenarios keep us stuck.

You’re angry for a reason, and chances are, it only looks like it’s because of your ex. If you allow yourself to feel how you feel, then you’ll see there’s something inside of you that is being stirred up, and it goes deeper than even before you met your ex.

Essentially, next time you’re angry, just feel it. Don’t distract yourself. Don’t judge yourself and then let that shame keep you stuck. Just feel. And ask, “what is this revealing about what I need to know to heal?”

You can’t heal when you’re pointing the finger, so allow yourself to experience the emotion so that you can let go of the tight grip you have to that emotion. When you loosen your grip, the insight will come.

When do I know I’m ready to start dating again?

This is a VERY popular question, and often the answer doesn’t always look like what you might think. It’s not about how long after you’ve been out of a relationship (but you do need to take time to process and heal); and it’s not about this definitive moment where you say, “I’m ready” like you’d hope it would look like.

Most times, this question stems from a feeling of unworthiness.

Unworthy that someone could accept you with “this type” of baggage.

Unworthy until you have completely “fixed” everything about you.

Ironically, those who ask me this particular question are often asking when they’ve been giving themselves time to heal, and have been doing inner work, but that “time” hasn’t come.

You are ready to move forward when you understand that you are perfect and whole as you are in this exact moment, even with a complex breakup in your recent history. You are so worthy.

You don’t need to punish yourself and fix everything about you to deserve love.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

From my perspective, getting over a breakup is less about getting over someone and more about how we can rediscover ourselves in the process. This is the key here.

When we ask this question, it often comes from a place of fear, as in, “I’m terrified I’ll feel this way forever” which most of us can relate to.

We all have our own timelines, and the sooner we understand on a deep (heart-centred) level that this meaningful transition (aka the painful breakup we’re in) has teachings, lessons, and guidance along the way for our benefit, the less we actually care about fixating on a specific time.

It takes time to come to terms with this transition, and it takes patience and compassion to actually allow yourself to experience what you’re experiencing on a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level.

The more you allow yourself to move through this time, the more you’ll continue to move forward.

—

Need support as you move through your breakup? Book a session with me here.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

BOOK A SESSION · JOIN MY COMMUNITY · COURSES · YOUTUBE · SELF-CARE WORKBOOK