No two relationships are the same; that said, there are many bad habits that can ruin any relationship.

As a breakup coach, I help my clients make sense of their breakups, along with deciding if ending a relationship is the best decision for right now. Part of this process is about evaluating the habits of from both people in the relationship.

Whether you’re reflecting on what happened over the course of your relationship, or are deciding if your current relationship is worth staying in, these 7 habits will help you understand what might be happening in your current situation.

Be sure to leave a comment and let me know which point resonates with you most, or what you were surprised to learn.

Alright, let’s dive in!

1. Lacking awareness of your relationship needs

When you have a need that’s not being met, you might find yourself blaming your partner without even realizing it. We blame when we don’t have enough awareness of what we are feeling about something.

Maybe you call your partner “clingy” when really, you’re just not aware that you need space to recharge at the moment, and become overwhelmed by their asking to hangout. Instead of being able to say, “I feel the need to recharge right now, and I want to spend time with you, so can we reschedule for another time this week?” you might say, “could you stop being clingy? I’ll let you know when I’m free. Geez, chill already.”

You can see it’s the same feeling, but your awareness about that feeling completely changes the way you share with your partner.

Maybe you call your partner “dismissive” or “non-committal” when they need to cancel plans, when really, you are needing quality time and haven’t figured out how to vocalized it to them yet. You just assume they should “know,” what you need, but even you aren’t fully aware of your needs.

These are two examples I have pulled from my personal experience.

Think about what you see in your partner, and ask yourself, “what need isn’t being met right now that has me so worked up?” and you’ll see that the more you look into the need, the more you can help your partner understand what you actually need from them. (They aren’t mind readers after all!)

2. Avoidance

In the face of conflict, how do you respond? If you prefer to avoid confrontation, or tend to shut down when you feel it coming on, you want to be able to address this in a way that makes you feel emotionally safe.

No relationship can survive off avoiding conflict entirely.

In fact, healthy relationships might have the same amount of conflict or disagreement, but have healthy communication to address it.

Reframing an argument as a way to get closer (not farther) to your partner can help you respond to conflict in a healthier way, and make you feel safe knowing the conversation will lead to a deeper connection between you two.

3. Demanding things instead of requesting/inviting

What’s the difference between demanding and inviting? Well, if you ask for something from your partner, and they don’t deliver, how do you respond? Do you get disappointed? Do you guilt them into doing it by telling them where they’re underperforming in the relationship? If so, you’re likely demanding, as you might be suggesting there’s consequences to not doing whatever it is you asked of them. (Telling them why they should do certain things for you, etc.)

Demand = consequences of not delivering.

An invitation or request, however, means that they’re welcome to say no, and there won’t be any repercussions. Healthy relationships require that we accept when our partners have other things to do, and we don’t expect them to fulfill every one of our needs.

Check in with yourself and find out if next time you ask your partner for something, see if you have an attachment to the answer.

This isn’t to say you’re not allowed to feel disappointed; all you want to acknowledge here is that your partner has a right to say no to your requests without your punishing them.

4. Manipulating the truth to get what you want

Manipulation is when you act in a certain way, or say certain things, to get something in return.

Maybe you said a coworker is attractive just to see what your partner might say—hoping to make them jealous.

Manipulation is the polar opposite of authenticity, and destroys closeness in a relationship. Many times, we opt for manipulation to avoid feeling vulnerable in the relationship.

TIP WHEN DEALING WITH MANIPULATION: More often than not, people who opt for manipulation feel that it’s not safe to ask for what they want just by being themselves, and therefore they must manipulate the circumstance to achieve that. Knowing this, you can deepen your own compassion for them. They’re so disturbed deep inside that they’ve come up with a coping mechanism to keep them from actually being their true selves.

Check in to see how you’re navigating getting your needs met, and if that requires you to stretch the truth, or force an outcome.

5. Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”

This is called boundaries, and it’s time you get clear on them. Every relationship needs healthy boundaries from both people.

Do you find that you want to say no, but are quickly flooded with what consequences will arise if you do? Maybe you want a full day to yourself to disconnect, but you’re afraid your partner will call you a bad partner as you need you-time.

Or maybe you don’t want to see your partner’s family every single Sunday, but you’re too afraid of being judged for needing a Sunday to yourself once a month.

What boundaries do you need in order to keep yourself feeling good in the relationship? We’ve all got them, and in fact—they allow us to show up for our partners stronger the more we practice.

It’s true; setting boundaries actually builds stronger relationships, and we are able to give more of ourselves because we’ve done the necessary recharging we need.

6. Reacting vs responding to your partner

How do you react when you feel strong emotions coming on? Do you go with them and let your anger or frustration take over? Does it make you feel out of control?

We’ve all had moments of overwhelming emotion—welcome to being human.

That said, taking a deep breath before feeding your emotion will help you reset. You’d be surprised just how much more in control of your emotions you feel when you take a step back to reflect.

MY FAVOURITE BREATHING TECHNIQUE WHILE OVERCOME WITH EMOTION:

• Breathe in for 4 seconds

• Hold your breath for 7 seconds

• Breathe out of your mouth for 8 seconds

Try this for 5 rounds, or until the energy of the emotion starts to dissolve.

This is a habit you must practice, and your future self will thank you. Next time you’re feeling heated, step back, take a few deep breaths, and respond.

7. Letting guilt make your decisions

This point ties into setting boundaries, but I’d like to expand on it. Guilt is a really interesting emotion; we’ve all experienced it, but most of us try and suppress it, which only makes the cycle of shame keep going.

When you say, “I feel bad for X” or, “I’ll feel bad if I do Y,” then you know you’re not acting out of love anymore. You’re acting out of fear. When you make decisions out of fear, no one wins.

I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who didn’t realize they kept their relationships going because they would feel bad if they left. I would ask them, “is feeling bad for your partner a good reason to stay?” Who wants to stay in a relationship with someone who feels bad for you? I don’t, and in fact, I left a relationship years ago when I sensed that was going on in my relationship.

Again, guilt is a powerful emotion, but being guided by it only holds you back from making powerful decisions for yourself. Sometimes, the powerful decision might be to leave your relationship, or stay committed to the breakup.

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I hope these 7 points have shed some light on your current relationship, or the relationship you recently ended.

I know how confusing it is to navigate a relationship that has gone south, but you’re doing the right thing by trying to make sense of what’s going on.

Be sure to leave a comment, and reach out to me to book a session and see how we can work together to get you through your breakup.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

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