How Do I Know When I'm Using My Intuition in a Relationship?

One of the main questions I get asked is:

How do I know if it’s my thoughts or my intuition talking?

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re feeling like it’s hard to trust yourself, and that you’ve recently gone through a situation that had you banging your head against a wall repeating, “I should have trusted my gut.”

You might be surprised to learn that as a breakup coach, I actually teach men and women how to use their intuition to help them navigate the ebb and flow of their breakups and search for new partners.

Have you noticed yourself thinking yourself saying:

“Why didn’t I see the red flags sooner?!”

“I saw the red flags, but I didn’t know if I was being unreasonable bringing it up”

“I should have left a long time ago”

“ Why did I let that go and not say anything?”

Chances are, you’ve said at least one of these if you’re going through a tough breakup. I know I definitely did when I was going through my breakup in 2016. In fact, I actually used my intuition to meet my current fiancé. I’ll talk more about that as we get into this article.

So what is intuition, exactly?

In my opinion, your intuition is the most important tool you can use to live the life you deserve. So many times, we think to be amazing in life, you need to be logical and “think rationally about something,” in order for your opinion or behaviour to be validated and legit. Let me get into how this societal conditioning affects how you show up in relationships.

I have clients commonly talk to me about their cheating ex-partners. Most of them say they had a “feeling” that their partner was doing something suspicious, but they waited for the “evidence” before feeling confident about bringing it up to their partners. So they waited…and waited…and waited. They held in their feelings because they don’t want to be seen as irrational, or “crazy” meanwhile they’re clearly aware there’s something leading them to believe this beyond what they can see.

Can you relate to this?

Society has drilled it into our heads that we need to seek evidence before trusting our own self.

Let’s take another important example clients bring up to me in our sessions.

Let’s say you’re with your partner for three years and you’ve had some discussion about getting married. You feel dissatisfied with the relationship, and feel like you don’t fully believe your partner will propose, but you rationalize your way into staying because you’re made to believe that since your partner vocalized it (evidence) that they will eventually. But you stay up at night, wondering if the relationship will progress, and you battle between what you feel and sense about your relationship, and the words your partner spoke to you a few times.

Most of my clients admit that they stay far longer in a relationship even though intuitively, they were a while ago that it was time to go.

Particularly with the women I speak to, they’re afraid of being seen as “needy” or “impatient” so instead they stay in the relationship, denying their intuition knowledge because society (and our friends) tell us that if we actually speak about how we feel, and what we need, and want in a relationship, that we are being “dramatic” and selfish.”

I rarely come across advice that teaches people to trust how they feel and intuition in their relationships.

They just address the “facts” and “what did they say though?” side of the story.

But your gut is significantly more intelligent than your rational mind can even begin to process.

Einstein famously spoke: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant.”

Listen to your gut first and start investigating from that space.

Don’t devalue what you felt about someone or a situation just because you can’t see evidence. yet. Listen to the intelligence of your body.

The world is still only just learning about the power of your own intuition.

And hardly anyone talks about it in the conversation around relationships. (I sound like a broken record by now, don’t I?)

What about when you’re dating?

On a simple level, how many times have you been on first dates where the person said they’ll call you or want to see you again, but your gut says, “they’re not going to be calling,” and you’re right?

How many times did you feel someone’s emotions through text message, but your friend said, “texting doesn't paint the full story though, be patient!”

But the phone doesn’t ring.

You’re left wondering, feeling like you need to know from the other person what they feel, when you know damn well what’s going on. It’s just no one is giving themselves permission to be at peace with the intuition that’s explaining what’s happening.

We are energetic beings, and we can literally feel someone’s energy even when they aren’t near us. It’s why when you’re thinking of someone randomly, you get a call or text from someone shortly thereafter. It’s why you can be in the same house as your partner, and both of you say at the same time, “let’s get thai food for dinner tonight.” (True story with my fiancé and I.)

When does your intuition talk to you?

Believe it or not, your intuition is always talking to you; the question is whether or not you’re willing to listen to it.

Your intuition might subtly say, “don’t go on that date,” and you go any way because you’re bored or afraid of disappointing your date.

Your intuition might subtly say, “give this another try” even if you didn’t particularly feel chemistry on a first date. Spoiler alert: that’s what mine said and that guy is sitting next to me as I write this article.

Your intuition is a subtle voice that comes from within you. It doesn’t scream or make itself obvious; you’ve got to train yourself to distinctly learn when your fears are talking, and when your intuition is talking. Everyone has this ability, it’s not just for the “woo woo” people.

The trick to knowing if it’s your intuition talking is in the energy of the thought, and whether or not that thought “dropped” into your mind.

Have you had a time when you’re doing something simple and routine, like getting ready in the morning or doing the dishes, when suddenly you get an idea to call a friend, or get a new idea for a work project? Maybe you were actively thinking about something totally different, when a new idea suddenly “took over” your thinking?

That’s likely intuition. If it feels good and exciting, and you feel curious about the thought, and your body gets tingly, then it’s likely a great idea to strongly consider. But know, we all feel intuition differently, but the essence is similar in a lot of cases. If the thought makes you feel good and excited, trust that you’re being led.

If your reaction to the thought sounds like this:

“I want to do [insert idea], I don’t know why, but I do”

“Woah, I think I just figured it out.”

“I feel like I need to drop what I’m doing and go put this idea to work.”

…then your intuition is likely talking to you.

Here’s when it’s not necessarily intuition: when the thought makes you feel bad or scared; that’s usually your fears or limiting beliefs. (I talk a lot about limiting beliefs in my coaching.) If you’ve ever been invited to an amusement park, and you instantly get scared, you might just be afraid of rides or clowns, and are quickly flooded with fear. This is why it’s important to investigate.

If you don’t feel comfortable doing something that feels dangerous, trust that. Intuition is also there to keep you out of danger, and sometimes it’s there to help you let go of your fears. I’ll make another blog going deeper into this.

Your preference vs intuition is different. This is what I say to my clients who want to know the feeling or “intention” of intuition:

Many times, your intuition is a guiding force to help you move towards the next step; it’s like a little breadcrumb leading you on the right path.

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I hope this article has given you a greater understanding of why we don’t always listen to our intuition, and how you can start to decipher your thoughts from your intuition. When you feel good about something, or excited for “no reason” let that be your intuition guiding you.

For more information on how to develop your intuition during your breakup, be sure to book a session here.