Are These 5 Fundamental Things Missing From Your Relationship?
We spend years with one partner, but are the fundamentals of a great relationship currently there?
As a breakup coach, some of my clients come to me as they can’t understand why they have good thoughts about their current partner, but also find there’s something fundamentally missing in the relationship.
They don’t quite know what how to put their finger on what’s missing, but it’s usually expressed through thoughts or events that happened between them.
Sometimes it sounds like they’re speaking with their gut, but aren’t quite sure how to articulate the actual feelings and needs behind these cyclical thoughts.
Today, I wanted to talk about some of the basics that need to be in your relationship in order to make it work. This is not a comprehensive list, this is just 5 things to consider in your current relationship.
True Alignment. True alignment is when you and your partner come together, and things just feel simple and easy. If your relationship feels strained, exhausting, and you’re budding heads a lot—you two might not be aligned.
Important Needs Are Met. No single person can meet all our needs, but when you’re with the right person, you find that your needs are not only met, you’re also aware of what your needs are—because they’re bringing them to light. My belief is that when we are angry or frustrated at our partners constantly, it’s because we are communicating to them in a way that is governed by an underlying unmet need, but also a lack of saying specifically what that need is. Our job is to find out what our needs are, and get comfortable investigating what they are so we can share this insight with our partners.
Ability to Communicate. Relationships rely on a communication style that works for both of you. If you find yourself terrified of actually discussing your intimate—sometimes unpleasant—thoughts with your partner, you might not have the communication it takes to stay in this relationship. Part of that communication is identifying your needs, and also being open to sharing what your thoughts are. Relationships are about being open with each other, and not hiding things in fear of a negative response.
Energy. We are made up of energy, and if being with your partner leaves you feeling drained, exhausted, empty—you two might have clashing energy. At all times, our circumstances are either giving us energy, or taking it away. Which is it for you and your relationship? Think about it this way: the right partner will give you a sense of motivation, excitement, and hope—even in dire circumstances. The wrong partner can influence your energy even in a good circumstance.
Connection. Instinctively, we know when we are connecting with another human being—I mean really connecting. Maybe in the beginning of your relationship, that was natural for you, but now, it could be that you’ve lost it. Ask yourself if you feel distant with your partner, even when you two sit beside each other; despite the proximity, do you sense emotional distance? Can you sense what they are feeling and thinking? Is this even important to you anymore? Get honest with yourself. It’s not always pleasant. It is very possible to be with someone and forget that we don’t have a connection with them.
There is an ebb and flow to every relationship, but are the basics there for you right now? Ask yourself these questions for deeper insight into how you’re feeling:
Is your partner meeting your needs? What are you needs?
Do you feel aligned with your partner?
Do you feel comfortable communicating difficult things to your partner?
Do you feel drained or energized when you’re with your partner?
Do you have a connection with your partner?
Sometimes, we have chosen good people to be with, but that doesn’t always mean that we share relationship fundamentals with. We are taught to keep good people around, but what if that’s not enough? If you’re really confused about what you should do with regard to your relationship, let’s book a 15-minute consult and find out what’s going on.