The Science Behind Why You're so Miserable After a Breakup
Have you ever wondered how breaking up with someone actually makes you so miserable?
Why you can't stop stalking their social media?
Why you want to text them just to see how they’re doing.
Why you feel like staying home in case you get the call that they wants you back.
Why you keep going through your old photos, trying to pinpoint the exact cause of the breakup, and how maybe if you come up with a brilliant enough plan, you can actually fix it?
Yep, been there. Done that.
Even if you know logically why you broke up (because I know you’re a “logical” person), you can't help but bury yourself in your bedsheets and pray that no one asks you, "so how have you been since the breakup?"
As a breakup coach, my clients don't understand why they consider themselves such strong and confident people with great careers, yet they can't seem to overcome the stress and anxiety of a breakup.
Luckily, I came across this article in Psychology Today and it was an eye-opener.
Clinical Psychologist Suzanne Lachmann, based in NYC, shares that "a breakup joins two of life’s most challenging experiences: paralyzing grief and the overwhelming physical and emotional withdrawal from an addiction."
Paralyzing grief.
Withdrawal from an addiction.
You thought you were ending a relationship, but your brain thinks someone died, and that you're in the same shoes as an addict without its fix.
Let's just pause for a moment there.
Addiction.
Death.
Your brain can't tell the difference.
(I'm sure if your friends were reading this, they'd never say the words, "wow, you're still not over them?" ever AGAIN.)
Okay, I'm ready to keep going.
So, how do you know you're going through withdrawal? Well, you constantly think about your ex; maybe you think back on all the good times you two shared; maybe you're picturing what it would be like to have make-up sex. But truth be told, texting—and calling—your ex will only provide a moment of fixation.
Followed by reality setting back in, and an even worse aching heart.
I know you've been there—we all have. (I swear I sent those 2am texts with total confidence.)
I just had no idea that what I was going through had this type of magnitude. I knew ending a relationship was hard, because it meant that I had to fill time in my social calendar, or come up with new things to do with my time; I had no idea there was an actual scientific reason why I hurt so badly.
Listen, I know you've been hurting over there, and it's not easy. This is exactly why you need to be kind to yourself in this time. Self-compassion is everything right now.
What that means is take every moment as it comes. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or extremely alone, remember that this is a process with no roadmap. Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends and say, "hey, I'm feeling down today, do you want to watch movies together?" Your friends will respond to your call if you're open about how you're actually feeling, and what you need. Your friends aren't mind-readers, no matter how close you two are.
Asking for support during a breakup is a very healthy decision you can make—and one that will get you closer to creating a life without them that you can feel confident about.