Were You Truly Your Authentic Self In Your Last Relationship?
When I ask my clients, “did you feel like you could be your authentic self in your last relationship?” they often reply with “I thought I was my authentic self…but maybe not?”
But then we do a deep dive session, and low and behold, the truth reveals itself.
They weren’t—at least not fully.
But let’s get something out in the open here: what does it mean to be your “authentic self” with a partner?
After being in a highly secure, loving and conscious relationship for more than 4 years now (and having learned with too much experience what it feels to live with an anxious attachment and be constantly living not as my authentic self) here’s what I believe living authentically with a partner means:
Freedom to be the full expression of yourself (goofy, silly, smart, strong, quirky, awkward) without judgment
Feeling fully accepted for what you bring into the relationship without feeling like you’ve got to be “more” or “less” of something in order to be loved
Freedom to grow, learn, and support each other within a relationship to build interdependence
Freedom to speak about your fears/worries to your partner without getting dismissed (or gaslit)
A deep awareness that you feel “enough’ with your partner
Now, if you feel even just one of those 5 points wasn’t present in your last relationship, then there’s a strong chance you weren’t living fully authentically.
On a deep, soul level, we have a strong desire to be loved for who we are.
And to have that freedom to show up as we are and be fully accepted.
It’s why one of the moment popular lines in my Manifest a Conscious Partner Sessions I hear “I just want to be myself!”
But it’s usually after a significant breakup that cracks us open to seeing what we need to see in order to be “ourselves.”
I don’t know about you but I don’t know anyone who knew how to live authentically in relationship from the get-go.
(If you’re out there please share with me your secrets.)
So you’re in good company.
In my last significant relationship before meeting my husband, we had a real connection.
But connection doesn’t mean I was living authentically with the freedom to be myself in that relationship.
But even though we had a connection, I often felt like I wasn’t good enough. My boyfriend at the time was a lawyer, had multiple degrees, and knew his life path. He often gave me career advice and talked a lot about my “potential” when I actually liked what I did for work.
I wanted to be loved for who I was then, not who I will or could be. And I certainly never asked for his career advice.
But I didn’t know any better. No one told me it was possible to actually be able to be my full self in a relationship.
And maybe that’s the case for you, too.
So I’m sharing with you now that it’s possible.
But not it’s just possible—actually very, very necessary.
Because you can’t have a healthy and conscious relationship when both of you aren’t able to feel like you can be yourselves.
But it’s also a two-way street: you’ve got to own who you are (and learn what that actually means), and give yourself the permission to express yourself that way and be okay when someone doesn’t receive your awesome quirkiness or where you’re at in your life.
Because someone else will.
And you’ve got to know yourself so much that when someone doesn’t “get” you—it’s all good.
Someone else is manifesting someone like you.
We stay in relationships for farrr too long because we don’t know yet that it’s not supposed to feel like you’ve got to keep “improving” in order to be accepted by that person.
It’s our jobs—as advocates for our own wellbeing within relationship—to start loving the person we are and drop the need to be “more” or “less” for someone to love us.
When I was living in my total anxious attachment “flare” state—as I called it—I felt like I was always living on eggshells.
Afraid of doing the wrong thing.
Or saying the wrong thing.
And I literally lived with this undercurrent for so long.
Being aware that other women like me didn’t feel this way, but that I did. I thought it was something I had to live with, always just trying to “better” myself and morph into the person that a guy I though I wanted would want to date.
And I realize how absolutely wrong that is.
And how unfair it was to me.
Yes, I was—still am—a work in progress.
But how DARE I allow myself to keep myself feeling like I couldn’t be who I was.
How dare YOU keep saying yes to holding onto your ex when they we’re part of the reason you couldn’t be your full expression?
So here’s my little pep talk for today: Use your breakup to get really freaking crystal CLEAR on who you are.
Your quirks. Where you’re at in your life. Own that divorce. Own the fact that you’re going back to school at 38 or restarting your career.
It’s where you’re at and that’s GREAT. Good for you for continuing to show up for yourself and do what you got do to.
You’re amazing.
We’re all constantly improving ourselves but we cannot be held down by the weight of our ex’s opinion.
It’s too much time that does not deserve your attention.
Instead, love yourself.
Fully.
Deeply.
And go out there, and find someone who is a HELL YES to all that you offer.
xo
Nancy Ruth Deen, conscious breakup coach
—
Need more healing messages during your breakup? Check out my 16-day subscription that feels like you’ve got the loving guidance of a breakup coach with you every day <3
What’s next?
Book a private coaching session with me HERE.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!