Your mind is going off on its own.

Where you once thought you were a smart, well-tempered, put-together person, this breakup has completed changed the way you think.

As a breakup coach, one of the biggest things I hear from clients is their fears around always thinking about their ex. They “just want it to stop already.”

They feel like they’ve lost complete control, and they’re not “who they used to be” which I completely relate to and understand.

There are a ton of biological reasons we ruminate, and one of the biggest things a lot of us don’t know is that our brains are lighting up the same way a cocaine addict’s brain would like up during withdrawal.

It’s real, and no—you’re not going crazy.

You are not a different person anymore.

And—best of all—you do not have to listen to your thoughts and take action according to them, as obsessive as they are.

Now, I came across this “technique” or “paradigm” I share in this video below a few years ago, when I actually stumbled upon this Tedx Talk by John Bricker, a scientific leader in acceptance and commitment therapy.

Basically, Bricker helps people stop smoking in a way that seems pretty counterintuitive when you first hear about it, but extremely effective. (I’ll get to how this relates to your obsessive thoughts of your ex in just a minute, but also, if you’re a smoker this might be the perfect 2-in-1 article for you.)

He called this the “willingness approach” where you don’t use effort or willpower to get rid of intense cravings. (Spoiler alert: this approach had people quitting smoking 2x more than the people who did it the “traditional way.”)

Here’s the premise: cravings are thoughts. But they feel like so more, don’t they? If you’ve ever had an intense craving for anything (which we all have) then you know how overpowering it can feel. The mind is trying to get you to do something to satisfy the thought, and it can be overwhelming to try and distract yourself from taking that action. A lot like when you feel like you NEED to text your ex or reconcile after a breakup. You feel like if you don’t do anything about the thought, it will get stronger, and even more intense.

The opposite is true: Bricker suggests, if you actually allow (or welcome) your thoughts to be there, this is actually the key to letting the thought go on its own.

Without you doing anything.

Like I said, you can’t even imagine how this would even work—until you try it for yourself.

And I have used this technique to completely change the way I see cravings, obsessive thinking, and any time my own thoughts creep me out a bit. You don’t need to use this approach only when you’re deep in despair, you can use it simple, every day thinking that gets to be a little overly consuming.

I get into a little step-by-step to help you let go of those obsessive thoughts in this video.

Be sure to comment and let me know how this technique works for you!

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

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