When You Thought You Two Had a Future Together
Even more than getting over the love, the time spent together, some of the hardest things to cope with during a breakup is the loss of a future together.
“We talked about marriage, and kids.”
“We spent many times describing our dream home and how many dogs we’d have.”
Yeah, those thoughts and those conversations absolutely contribute to the grieving process. In many cases (I include myself here), it’s harder to deal with this than the actual relationship and time you had.
Alongside hanging onto the future you two painted, there’s another factor that I feel intertwines in all of this, and it’s hanging onto the story of how you two met.
Maybe you two have the same birthday and it’s like what ARE the chances!? It’s got to be a sign, right?
Maybe you two met years ago and reconnected and it feels like fate.
Maybe you both grew up in the same town but met across the coast.
Maybe you two met when you were at work and they were a customer.
Okay, that last one was me with my ex when I worked at the pharmacy.
So, sometimes you’re trying to wrap your head about the future, and also the story of how you guys met.
it swirls in your mind…over and over.
You’ve likely talked about this with your friends at length and they’ve gently tried to nudge you that you can’t hang onto the future or onto the story of how you met.
But, I’m here to tell you that your grieving process is your own, and it’s perfectly normal (and expected in many ways) to grieve the loss of the future.
In this process, you might ask yourself (on repeat), “so why did they say they loved me if they didn’t see a future?”
“Why did they paint those elaborate vacations we had planned if they were never planning on taking me on them?”
Honestly, I can’t answer this for you. What I can say is that asking questions about WTF happened during your relationship is healthy and normal when you’re working through your breakup.
But Nancy, “should I get closure from them?”
“Should I text them my angry messages to let them know how I feel about how they completely fooled me?”
Here’s my response: Listen to your intuition. If that subtle voice is saying, “don’t text, don’t text, DON’T TEXT” but you feel like you can’t control it….
Do this meditation.
It’s amazing what a perfectly-timed meditation can do to stop you from doing something you MAY regret.
But, truthfully, it’s so hard to let go of those future plans you made. What helps me in these moments when I feel like I’m clinging to the “what could have been” is reminding myself of all the times things DIDN’T work out, and how grateful I am because of that.
I think about the job interviews, the first dates, and so many other things like even when I wanted to buy something and it was sold out, only to see I bought something way more suited for me a week later.
It’s only in the future when we can look back and really connect the dots as to way things went the way they did.
I know when I was going through my last breakup, I held on for a long time to future-based visions of us, and that was my process. But eventually, through self-compassion and time, I allowed myself to see that there’s a better plan unfolding for me.
Truly, and I can sit here and type this to you because I have been where you are. It feels like you won’t meet someone as great, or you’re never going to stop hurting…but you will if you can just see even just a tiny little bit that this might be part of the plan.
If you’re like “Nancy I want to believe that but today I just feel so hurt I can’t,” then take your time.
There’s no set time to heal from a breakup. Its your process. Cry it out. Throw a pity-party and stay in bed if you need to (for the 4th day in a row). Take care of yourself the best way you know how.
And then, when you’re feeling a glimpse of hope, consider that you’re exactly where you need to be, and there’s a beautiful plan unfolding for you.
Love,
Nancy
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Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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