The holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer, love, and abundant support with friends and family.

But if you’re reading this, then you’re going through a pretty confusing time. If breakups weren’t confusing enough, navigating a breakup during the holiday season adds another layer of…stress.

As a breakup coach, I’m writing to give you my best tips for working through your breakup during the Winter holidays. With Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s around the corner, this is one of the most topical areas my clients are wanting guidance around.

I hope this helps you as you work through the trickest parts of your breakup during this time.

Breaking Up Before or After the Holidays?

Many people approach me and ask when the “right” time to end a relationship is, and if ending it before or after the holidays is the better option.

Related: When is The Right Time to End a Relationship, According to a Breakup Coach

“Better” being the operative word.

Let me put it to you this way—there is no “right” time, but if you think that “pretending” you’re still happily in love just because you bought the non-refundable plane ticket 3-months ago to see their family, or because you want a Christmas gift, then there’s more to look at here.

There is no right time. But choosing the option that leads to less fibbing, less awkward conversations, and less social masking, then I’d pick that one, personally.

Breaking up is hard enough, but so is faking your mental and emotional state just to survive a turkey dinner with a bunch of people asking, “so, what are your plans together next year?” You’ll likely leave both families confused. You, too, will also end up for confused.

Again, I recommend picking the time that leads to a lot less I-have-to-put-on-a-front-to-survive-this attitude.

Regarding Holiday Party Attendance

You don’t need to attend all holiday events if you’re not feeling up to it. This is called self-care; if you’re unfamiliar with that word, please get acquainted now. Self-care means putting yourself first, even if that means cancelling plans, or saying “no” when you’d typically say yes out of obligation or fear.

You must put yourself first, and if you’re not up for it—you’re not up for it. Don’t let the fear of someone’s disappointment be a motivator for attending a party in the middle of a stressful period of your life. You have nothing to prove. Take care of yourself right now.

If, on the other hand, you’ve been avoiding events like the plague in fear someone will ask you where your partner is, then know you can’t avoid these questions forever. It’s important to lean on friends and family during a life-changing event, even if that means getting vulnerable in the middle of a party. We’ve all been there. We don’t always get to choose when we have mini-breakdowns.

This is where being discerning comes in; if you’re feeling like you can barely brush your teeth in the morning because of how much your breakup has impacted you, give yourself permission to stay in and watch your favourite holiday movies. If you’re feeling crappy, but sense you’re longing for connection that day, put on your favourite holiday outfit and go to the party—you will be welcomed with open arms no matter how you’re feeling.

There’s never a “right” or “wrong” way to attend parties, and it’s so much more about feeling your feelings, and being discerning in that regard. Try and set aside how others might perceive you for not being there. The good friends will be concerned at most, and then not-so-good friends will be annoyed (let that reveal to you as well).

Use Your Breakup to Treat Yourself (FINALLY)

For most of us, breakups feel like we completely lost the dreams we built together. You made all these “plans” and now…they’re gone because the relationship is done.

By the way—what were they?

Write them down and do/buy all those things for yourself.

Did you wait years so that your partner could pay off their debt before going on a 30-day Bali trip? GO ON IT YOURSELF.

Treat yourself.

Meet new and awesome people on a Contiki tour, or ask for recommendations on Facebook travel groups. Open up this opportunity to treat yourself without feeling guilty.

Spend the money on yourself, which is the greatest investment of them all.

Are you used to buying a heavy-priced gift for your lover? Where could you use that money towards yourself? It’s funny just how much we’d be open to spending that amount on someone, but we wouldn’t do that for ourselves. Think about it.

Should I Still Get Them a Gift?

Sure, why the hell not. Except if you’re leaving a relationship where you felt treated below your standards, then refer to the point above. (Gift it to yourself.)

But by all means, just because it’s the holidays, doesn’t mean you have to.

Just because you’re breaking up, doesn’t mean you have to stop giving, either. You can give even if you’re not in a relationship, but I advise on one thing: don’t get them a gift in hopes you’ll get back together.

This is a recipe for disaster, and only leaves you feeling more alone and aware of the devastating truth of your relationship status. Especially if they didn't give anything to you, then you might even get angry.

Give if you want to, and if it’s in your nature, and not because you’re wanting something in return. And don’t withhold giving them something because it’s a breakup “rule.”

Explaining the Breakup to Family Mid-party

Whether we believe it or not, our family wants to see us happy, and wants us to be open with them. You don’t have to go into full details—while scarfing down cranberry sauce and stuffing—as to why the relationship ended, or why they’re accompanying you over dinner. Instead, opt for a more vague but honest response; mention you’ve both chosen to end things amicably, and that you’ll be more open about things in the coming weeks when you’re ready to talk about it all.

In Essence, Here’s the Coles Notes of Holiday Breakups:

• It’s better to end the relationship before the holidays (if you can), so as to avoid pretending your relationship is something other than it is

• Be discerning with which parties you attend, and don’t feel bad for needing to cancel. Also, don’t trap yourself in loneliness by avoiding ALL parties

• Treat yourself the way you’d treat your partner this holiday season. Put that $$ towards investing in yourself

• It’s totally up to you if you still want to get your ex a gift, but don’t expect an outcome for doing it

• Be vague but honest with your family about the current state of affairs, and open up at a later time (when your judgmental aunt isn’t standing right there)

I hope this holiday survival guide has been helpful for you. It’s super tough going through a breakup during the holidays, and I empathize with you greatly. I’ve personally done it, and I know it can really bring to the surface all those deep emotions.

Be sure to take care of yourself, and put yourself first. This is a time more than ever to do things that make you feel good, and remind you just how great you are without this person.

If you need extra support during your breakup, consider breakup coaching with me. Schedule your first session with me here.