This article is for you if:

• You sense your ex/partner has issues with intimacy

• You have a hunch you might have a fear of intimacy

• You want to learn more how to detect it in yourself or your partner

• You want to build more intimacy in your relationship

Intimacy can be emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. Most people know intimacy to be sexual, but it’s actually more encompassing than that.

Intimacy is about openness, closeness, vulnerability, and sharing ourselves. It’s what creates bonds in our romantic relationships and friendships. Intimacy is not limited to our significant other.

For the purposes of this article, let’s discuss sexual intimacy, since I have a feeling that’s what you were curious about when you landed on this page!

If you’re new to this article, I’m Breakup Coach Nancy and I help men and women find the clarity and confidence to move on after a relationship. Whether you’re thinking of ending one, or are processing a breakup right now, it’s my mission to help my clients grow through a breakup, and deepen their relationship with themselves in the process.

I felt called to talk about intimacy today as it’s been a consistent theme in my client sessions, especially as they’re trying to figure out whether or not they’re making the right decision to end a relationship.

Small disclaimer

Before I fully jump into the article, please know that if you’re not ready to take accountability for your side of the relationship, this might not be the article for you. I’ve organized the first half to provide general information from what I’ve learned, and then the second part (See: The Conundrum: Is it You Or Your Partner Who Needs to Fix Their Intimacy Issues”) might be heavier than you anticipated. This article addresses deeper beliefs we hold, and is received when we are willing and open to looking at ourselves in an honest way. Ask yourself, “am I ready?” My guess is that if you felt guided to learn more, you very well are ready for transformation. Of course I wanted to check in with you first.

Alright, let’s begin.

So what are some of the ways intimacy, or lack thereof, show up in our romantic relationships?

Here’s a quick list of what my clients have brought up in our sessions:

• You or your partner decline/avoid sex

• Decreased interest in hand-holding, kissing, and other ways to display affection

• Feelings of overwhelmed and fear around sex

• Not wanting to have your partner stay over at your place

• Only sharing certain parts of you with your partner (maybe only the “good” things)

• Only doing things when you want to, when it is convenient for you

• Saying things that sound loving, but doing another that says the opposite (mixed signals)

  
  

Again, these are just a few of the ways my clients have experienced these intimacy issues with either themselves, or their partners. Please know that just because these show up in your relationship, does not automatically mean you have a fear of intimacy. We must investigate further and see what else is going on.

If you’re thinking, “yeah, I do this,” or, “that’s exactly what my partner is like!” then keep reading. This is all for your information and self-discovery.

I want to address some of the underlying things that might be governing you or your partner’s “odd” behaviours.

You’ve probably learned some point down the line that how people behave is more about them than anything. And you’ve probably learned that our birthright, each and every one of us, is to enjoy and experience pleasure, sex, joy, connection and love.

So when you notice your partner declines your invitation to get close and have sex, you might feel hurt. They’re closing the door on an opportunity to connect.

Or when your partner invites you to a social gathering, you’re suddenly flooded with your to-do list and instantly overwhelmed. You sense you need to be more open, but have no idea how to do that, and if that’s even in your nature. You know you’re a connected person, but have closed the door on a lot of opportunities due to [work, chores, errands, etc].

Let’s take a look at other things at play here.

Three common fears many of us subconsciously walk around with:

• Fear of abandonment: maybe you grew up with one parent and learned that people you love leave you, and so you push people away until they leave

• Fear of losing control: potentially if you grew up in an unstable home, or grew up without predictability, you might learn to control your environment and self in order to feel safe

• Fear of rejection: you may have experienced a sense of rejection from a parent or caregiver early on in life, which had you believing that if you get close to someone, you will get rejected (and in so doing you never fully give yourself to someone)

Take a moment to think about whether or not these 3 points relate to you and/or your partner. Which fears come up for you? Which fears do you resonate with?

Sometimes, it’s hard to say, “wow, clearly I have a fear of abandonment” when we are just learning about these fears. Some times it’s better to take a look at our relationships beliefs, and our dating patters. More on that as we move through the article.

How we initially form “fears”

As children, we are highly impressionable; this means that we assign basic meanings to things when we are young. When our parents say with such loving and playful voices, “you make me the happiest!” then you might also interpret their bad day to mean that you made them unhappy. Of course, they might not say that, or they might say or do something that, to you, eludes to that.

It’s that simple.

Quick example:

Mom comes home from work and barely says hi to me = I did something to cause this upset

Dad looks annoyed when I show him my awesome drawing = I caused dad to be upset when I tried to talk to him

Attachment styles

Another way to understand intimacy is by understanding the role of our attachment styles. They’re how we attract and maintain adult relationships, and they’re developed at a very early age. It’s also a science-based way to see how we move through relationships, and ultimately, help us find someone who is healthy for us.

The three basic attachment styles are:

• Anxious: some characteristics include thinking there’s something wrong when partner is not texting back/responding, needs physical proximity to feel secure, often receives mixed signals which creates a loop of fear and mistrust with partner

• Secure: this person welcomes and nurtures close relationship, helps anxious partner feel more secure, connects easily with partner, understands how to have a healthy relationship

• Avoidant: characterized by giving mixed signals when dating/in a relationship, not inviting partner to family dinners, not introducing partner to friends, only hanging out some day(s) of the week, doesn’t like to make future plans, has “commitment issues” and overall keeping partner at a distance

Again, these are just a few of the characteristics that come up time-and-time again with my clients (and previously me when I was single and looking to find out why I was dating people who weren’t aligned with what I wanted in a partner). I talk a lot about attachment styles in my work—a lot.

Here’s a 16-minute video on the full low-down on secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment styles.

The conundrum: Is it you or your partner who needs to fix their intimacy issues?

If you’re reading this because you think your partner might have intimacy issues, it’s so great you’re looking into it; after all, we do want to help each other learn and grow in our relationships.

But ask yourself, “what are they not giving me, and why do I feel so ________ as a result.” You might think this is about fixing your partner’s intimacy issues, but you also have attracted someone into your life who is bringing up fears of your own.

You might think after reading that, “no, genuinely, my partner is the one who is refusing to get close,” and yes, it sounds like that’s what’s happening. But if you’re the one who is reacting to this and doing the research, then something is coming up for you. Connect with the emotion that comes up when you think your partner might be triggering you with their supposed intimacy issues.

If you still have resistance, let me ask you this: are you the one doing all the research while they just kind of…sit back and relax? Get honest here. If they agree with you in conversation but aren’t trying to “fix” anything (by going to workshops, online courses, reading), then it might (MIGHT) be possible that you have something going on as you observe their intimacy issues.

Again, this is where honesty comes in, and I can tell you it wasn’t until last year that I was able to get honest about looking inside myself and tracing my dissatisfaction. I know how tough it is to admit that we are actually the ones in need of looking within—not our partners.

If you do choose to investigate your own motivations and fears behind what you perceive in your partner, then the results will be nothing short of liberating.

My personal experience dating and doing this work to heal

I promised I’d talk about dating patterns, so here we are.

Let’s say you consistently attract people who take you for granted, can’t fully commit, or any other thing you notice the people you date do. Their behaviour is on them, but how you interpret what their behaviour means is revealing how you secretly see yourself.

how you interpret what their behaviour means is revealing how you secretly see yourself.

Doing this simple exercise and finding out my own dating patterns revealed that I was previously attracting men who initially showed interest, but completely ghosted or had a reason for not continuing the relationship. After a very honest look at what was happening (because I wanted to attract the “right” guy into my life), I realized that I was terrified of showing my full self to them, because I didn’t think anyone could love me as I was. (Can you relate?)

So I’d go on dates, pretend I was a cool, smart, pretty woman, and then when I started to run out of cool things to say, nice outfits to wear, my energy would shift, and it would drive my behaviour, which ultimately pushed them away.

This is of course the Cole’s Notes of my dating life, but when I decided to take responsibility for not being in a relationship that I felt satisfied in, I was able to find a healthy, loving, and growing relationship. I couldn’t do that by continuously blaming the other person, no matter how legit the reason was.

What are your dating patterns?

You’ve heard my dating pattern, now it’s time to look into yours. Again, are you ready? True transformation comes from wanting it, and being ready to look at things honestly.

Which of these resonate most with you and your current/previous partner?

• Are you continuously attracting people who demand a lot of your time and make you feel suffocated?

• Do you find you’re always the one helping them when they need it, but you don’t get much credit for it?

• Are you continuously dating people who never have time for you?

• Are only encountering people who don’t want to date you after 1-3 dates?

• Are you continuously dating people who make you feel not as smart as them?

• Are you continuously dating people who are below your own standards?

What’s the big theme in your dating life? It might not even be on this list.

These themes are where we can explore where intimacy can be worked on. Grab a pen and paper, and write it down.

Next, try and see if any childhood memories naturally pop up for you as you observe your dating patterns. Are there any similarities from when you were a child and wanting attention from your parents? What is it for you? I of course cannot tell you in this article what it is for you, but I can help you look over there and you’ll start to see what it is.

Uncovering the beliefs behind the “facts” of our partners

Alright, if you’ve made it this far—awesome. It’s a lot to take in, and you’re ready and willing. Let’s keep going, and talk about my favourite part of this work.

Often, we get into relationships to live out the beliefs we made up as children, and they’re so deeply hidden that we don’t even know it’s a belief as we just call it a fact.

With my clients, I work 1:1 to really help uncover these beliefs disguised as facts.

“All men only want attractive women.”

“I need to be successful to get the girl of my dreams.”

“Men only care about sex.”

“I always get rejected when I put myself out there.”

“People in this town just aren’t my type.”

When we date people, our beliefs will ensure to provide evidence for us that supports it. It’s that simple.

In fact, the energy we bring, if not investigated, will ensure that if we think people will abandon us, then we will pry, annoy, and nag our partners until they leave.

The lack of trust you’d think came from your partner, actually came from your belief, and you attracted someone into your life that either had a complementary complex (needing to feel guilty or punished for being bad), or that you eventually pulled them into fulfilling your beliefs if they didn’t initially come to the table with that subconscious belief. This is the power of our hidden beliefs.

This is really eye-opening and intense stuff. You might be tempted to leave the article. So let me check in with you — are you ready to keep going? This article is not for the faint-of-hearts. If you do want to truly see what’s going on in your relationships, you must be willing to take an honest look at what you actually see.

Put it all into perspective: The Workaholic

Most of us think we can just let our partner’s know what they’re doing wrong, so they can work on it. Isn’t this what couple’s counselling is for? But that leaves no room for us to see what needs healing. Every time we get annoyed, frustrated, sad, is another opportunity for us to heal a belief we made about ourselves as young children.

If we ignore our part in the interpretation, and make it about our partners, then it will keep showing up in other ways.

Let’s use a classic example of The Workaholic archetype. Many of my clients are self-proclaimed workaholics who are passionate and driven. After sharing this “identity” in the beginning of our chats, they continue to relay that their partners just don’t understand their busy schedule or don’t have as much drive as them, and they are bothered at how their partners don’t understand or respect their need to not have sex.

They continue to battle between:

• finding a new partner who is equally as driven

• wondering if they should just have more sex and be quiet

  
  

  Have you been here?

But what might be underneath it is a subconscious dynamic at play here: the Workaholic has a fear of intimacy and has successfully attracted someone into their lives who is trying to get close, and therefore reinforces the fear, “when I get close, people leave,” (or any other deep-rooted fear). Without proper investigation, The Workaholic might just leave, or carry on feeling dissatisfied in their relationship.

The other partner, on the other hand, might be typing into Google, “how to fix my partner’s intimacy issues,” not realizing that they themselves have the fear of “people I love never have time for me.” If they’re too busy trying to fix their partner, how will they know they need healing around their belief that loved ones never have time for you.

Without investigation, we will be attracting people into our lives who reinforce our beliefs about ourselves.

Where do we go from here? How to heal with this information

You’re almost at the finish line and I’m so glad you stuck it out!

Our goal in learning about how we make innocent interpretations when we are younger is to understand how this played a role in attracting and maintaining the adult relationship we have today.

If we are young and impressionable, and we experience a moment when our view about ourselves or loved ones shifts, then it’s time to heal that when it comes up in a simple moment today. It was a belief, and it was not who you are.

If you were 5 years old, and you experienced a moment when your dad said something that had you suddenly feeling inadequate, you might be living today feeling like the job you want, or the ideal partner you want, you cannot have because you are too inadequate for them. But if you choose to believe that you made up a belief about the experience (without taking away what happened), then you can see that what you interpreted was not the Truth, but just an interpretation.

It’s not who you are. You’re not unlovable, unworthy, inadequate, unimportant, and the ego is just trying to make you feel that way based the belief that was assigned as a child. You’re perfect, whole and complete. You’re always that way, no matter what.

When we are growing up, our parents don’t know that when they don’t look at us straight in the eye when we show them the exciting craft we made them, that they still love us and were just busy at the moment.

Our parents do the best they can, and even with amazing parents, we can still come away with limiting beliefs that stop us from creating and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. Contrary to what we hear, we can all benefit from looking within to see what beliefs we are carrying. This work is not just people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. Everyone can benefit.

Don’t be afraid to see what you see, feel what you feel, because that’s where the true healing begins.

If you’re looking to dive deep into your relationship beliefs, be sure to reach out to me for a private session here.