Right now, you’re assessing whether or not your relationship had some (or many) toxic elements.

Between some of your ex’s questionable behaviour, and how you actually felt during your last relationship, you’re willing to explore the idea that there were signs you missed.

I get it, we all miss some signs.

Sometimes we just want to believe our partner’s behaviour is legitimate because they didn’t grow up in a stable family.

Or maybe you’ve heard “worse” stories, so maybe in comparison, what you experienced “wasn’t that bad,” at least that’s what you tell yourself.

Like I said, we all miss signs. Fortunately, that’s where the growing opportunities are.

As a breakup coach, I’ve put together what I consider to be toxic warning signs in a relationship.

These questions I hope will help you deepen your understanding as to whether or not leaving (or having left was) is the right decision.

Alright, let’s dive in!

Does your partner shut you down when you express yourself?

Does it feel like whenever you need to share, your partner tries to tell you that you “shouldn’t” feel how you feel? That you “misunderstood” the situation? This is a clear sign that you and your partner do not share the same model of the world, and also that they are making you question your reality. (Also known as gaslighting). Toxic level 10/10

In a healthy relationship, you want someone who is on the same page as you, and holds space for you to fully express yourself. This is the bare minimum of a relationship, don’t you think?

Does your partner ask to use your phone to see who you’re texting?

You have a right to your own privacy, and this is no exception to the rule.

When you give your phone to your partner to look through, you’re actually enabling their trust issues. You might be a very trustworthy person, but your partner has stuff they need to work through, and letting them see your stuff to prove to them you’re trustworthy, is not the right course of action.

You might initially be thinking you’re building trust by handing over the phone, but as I always say, when you’re looking for something, you will find it in a matter of time. Toxic level 10/10

You deserve someone who takes your word for things; better yet, you deserve someone who naturally trusts you, and this isn’t even a conversation.

Does your partner often ask, “are you cheating on me” but you kind of feel like they’re the sneaky ones?

This is a really unhealthy and confusing awareness, and if you’re going through it—then you get what I mean here.

It’s clear your partner is paranoid, but they’re also behaving in the questionable way you hear them describing about you. I’ve seen this a lot, which is essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy. The cheater thinks the other person is cheating. Classic psychology 101. Toxic level 9/10

If you’re completely trustworthy but your partner just doesn’t see it, you need to be with someone who gets what you’re about.

Does your partner trap you emotionally, mentally, or physically when having an argument?

Does it feel like you’re almost nervous to bring something up because you know your partner will somehow go ape on you? Maybe they literally stand in front of the door so you can’t leave, or they might throw in a, “If you leave I’ll tell everyone..” blackmail comment. Or maybe they absolutely beg you to stay. These are all very unhealthy communication habits.

Essentially, this says to me your partner does not respect your boundaries and is trying to control you. Plain and simple. Toxic level 10/10.

They take from you until you’re completely drained

Do you find you do everything for your partner, but they almost never give you anything in return? Maybe they leave “breadcrumbs” which I think is the new terms these days, for someone who just leaves you bits and pieces to keep you strung along.

Do you find they don’t notice or appreciate you anymore? They’ll actively say, “I do so much for us, and you don’t” which is a total mind-f*ck because that’s what you see about them.

It’s almost like they’re living in their own narcissistic world and you’re just there to please them. Reality check: you matter. Toxic level 7/10

They’re judging you but try and tell you they’re not

Have you been given “constructive criticism” on your appearance or demeanour, in a way that feels like you’re being attacked by your partner?

Maybe they throw in a, “why were you flirting with them?” comment when you ordered drinks from the bartender in a normal, regular, super-typical way. Maybe your partner comments on your outfit you put effort into wearing and they say, “are you really wearing that?”

These comments might seem small and tough to decipher but they actually have hidden nuggets of toxicity right underneath them. You want to be with someone who lifts you up, and doesn’t try and bring you down with small, annoying comments. Toxic level 9/10

Trying to make you jealous, and pretending they’re not

Does your partner tend to bring up a subtle, “there’s plenty of people who would have me if you won’t” comments from time to time? In their view, they genuinely think this is a normal comment to make. This, I would even argue, is a sign that they have proof of doing things behind your back.

Does your partner actively flirt with servers and comment on celebrities’ glorious physical appearances right to your face, just to get a rise out of you? This is totally toxic, and not something you signed up for. This is sure to lower anyone’s self esteem, and enhance feelings of unworthiness. Toxic level 10/10

Instead, your partner should be flirting with you, and giving you loving, warm, and healthy words of affirmation.

You need someone who lifts you up. I’m not debating, this is what a healthy relationship should be like.

Other signs to watch out for:

• Whenever your gut says, “this doesn't feel right.” Your subconscious mind and body know so much more than just your conscious mind. Pay attention to these feelings because they are always right!

• You feel like you are getting an emotional beating. If you feel totally shut down, you need to know this is a toxic environment for you and not something you want to stay in

• When you feel scared to leave. This is such an important sign. Please call a friend, family member, or the police if you are feel you in danger. Not when you are in one, but when you feel you might be in one. Trust that feeling

• Explosive behaviour from your partner. If you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, it’s time to leave. You cannot manage someone else’s emotions.

—

If after reading this article you feel like you are in a toxic relationship, your first step should be to leave, and then do the healing. Put yourself in a safe situation and be sure to call on your team of support while you work through this.

If you need support during this period, be sure to reach to me here.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

BOOK A SESSION · JOIN MY COMMUNITY · COURSES · YOUTUBE · SELF-CARE WORKBOOK