23 Signs it Might be Time to Let Go of Your Relationship, According to a Breakup Coach
You’ve stumbled on this article as you have been feeling off for a little while now. Your relationship has taken a turn, and you’re just figuring things out right now.
You’re not sure exactly why that is, or if it’s actually coming from your ex, and you’re just picking up on their energy. You’re a fairly intuitive, resourceful, and loving person — you want to approach things in a logical, and kind way.
Nonetheless, you two are currently together, and you’re just looking to do a little research on your situation.
As a breakup coach, people come to me for guidance on whether or not they should end their relationships. They’re looking for my insight, and my perspective, but I do something a little different; I help people uncover what’s going on underneath their feelings and thoughts. I could give them all the perspective in the world, but what matters most is their ability to see what they’re needing.
This is something I do in my online 1:1 coaching, but for today, I wanted to write about signs that can provide a little more insight into your specific situation, and hopefully will help you find some clarity.
Chances are, if you find yourself nodding to several of these points, you’re being guided in a direction. Your intuition is calling you to listen to it. You are uncovering things that require your attention. Listen to that voice of inside of you.
Alright, let’s get started!
You’ve given up several things to make your relationship work
Whether it’s your job, location, or friends, you’ve given up things to make it work. Maybe initially, you thought it was a decision you two made, but you’re starting to realize they didn’t have to get out of their comfort zone to be with you. You came to them. You worked around their needs. You put them first. Now you’re thinking….are they doing the same? The evidence isn’t so clear.
You’ve had an on-again-off-again relationship
While it can be healthy to take a break in a relationship, doing it multiple times because one of you needs “time” or “space” is demonstrating a lack of stability. Of course, relationship evolve as time goes on, but when one of you keeps asking to pump the breaks—for whatever “valid” reasons—this is something to really look at.
You’re embarrassed to tell others what you’re really feeling
Do you feel like you’ve invested so much in the relationship that you have silenced yourself from being honest with others about how you’re feeling in the relationship? Maybe your mom or brother are your best friends, but you’ve closed yourself off to your close circle in shame. You don’t want to tell them it’s not working out as well as you’ve planned, or maybe you are starting to agree you jumped in too quickly. You don’t want your close circle to say, “I told you so,” or maybe you want to prove you’re independent and can handle your own life. Your parents, family, and friends, all have your best interest in mind, so think about what it might mean for you to feel that you need to shut out the people who love you for your relationship?
You feel distant with your partner, but you think it’s coming from them
Your partner has been feeling a little cold, or distant from you, and you aren’t sure why. Maybe they’re just undergoing a lot of stress, at least that’s what you tell yourself. You try to plan things, or do special things for them, but their reaction isn’t what you were expecting. You feel a little defeated, understandably. But this has been going on for a while, and you’re starting to think this might be permanent.
When you bring up how you’re feeling, they get defensive
You and your partner have talked about “open communication” in the past, but it seems that right now they’ve forgotten that that is one of the pillars that hold each and every relationship together — including yourself. They’ve become shut off, distant, and defensive when you try to express yourself. Worse, they might even turn it around so this is your issue, not an “our” issue. Does it feel like you don’t want to bring things up in fear they’ll blame you? Think about that.
You make excuses for them
“I can’t hang out today, I have a lot of work to do,” or, “I’m too tired tonight,” have become your partners go-to mantras. You want to believe them as you want to be an understanding partner. You know that if you’re not understanding, they might end the relationship, and you cannot fathom that. You decide to put up with the excuses, and hope that things will naturally revert to the original way of things. Unfortunately, you’re starting to lose hope.
You sense you give more than you get
Is it easy for you to give to your partner, but you also notice they don’t really do the same? Are you the one always driving to them, or is it always you who rearranges their schedule to suit their availability? You might be reaching farther. Healthy relationships are about giving as much as we get; balance; and willingness to put in the same efforts for each other. Sometimes, our desire to give a lot stems from the need to keep the relationship intact, otherwise it will crumble. Does that resonate? Let me ask you: what would happen if you sat back and let them come to you? Do you feel that they actually would? Or do you think you two just wouldn’t have a relationship? Let that sink in for a moment.
You feel like you’d be completely lost without them
Does the thought of being without them make you spiral into a nervous breakdown? Has that already happened? You might be gripping too hard to your relationship. Sometimes we think that’s how relationships should be, where two people can’t live without each other, but that’s not the case in a healthy, loving, and conscious relationship. Having a partner is about choosing to be together, even when you can be alone. Are you choosing to be with them, or are you terrified of the thought of being alone?
You envisioned a future with them and refuse to let that go
Have you created an elaborate story of what your future would look like together? Did you tie in your dreams and mix them in with their presence? Did you two decide one day you’ve travel around the world, even though maybe you two have barely left the country? Was it really just a whole fictitious story that’s too hard to let go of now? One of the hardest things about a breakup is letting go of the vision you had for the two of you. I know this feeling so well, but choosing yourself, instead of choosing the story is one of the most powerful decisions you will ever make for yourself.
Your sex life is unfulfilling
Does your partner feel disconnected from sex? Do they feel like they’re just going through the motions? Are you dissatisfied, but you know that’s what’s holding you two from being actual roommates?
The only time you really connect is during sex
Alternatively, is the one time you two really connect during sex? Outside of that, does your partner feel distant, and your life together is full of small talk?
You find you two are more like roommates
Does it ever feel like you two are just spending time together, but it’s not exactly full of love and quality time? Are you two just used to having each other around, so you just spend your time together, but it doesn’t feel meaningful anymore? Has the romance completely dropped, but you two are still holding on? Be honest with yourself.
They’re making plans without you
Relationships are about making each other a priority, and making time for each other. So if your partner is making weekend plans without you, meanwhile you’re looking forward to spending the weekend together, this might signal imbalance in the relationship. Maybe they’re in a season of their life where they are meeting new people, or starting a new job, and connecting with a new group, but that shouldn’t affect the strength of your relationship. And it shouldn’t affect their interest in seeing you. Ask yourself if you make excuses for your partner more than you are willing to admit.
Small talk has become the norm
When you first started dating, was the conversation lively, loving, and fun? But now it’s pretty much flat-lined? Worst of all, with friends, they seem to be a lot happier than with you? You notice a serious difference between the way they show up with their friends than with you. You might even start to feel like a burden by the simple desire to communicate with your partner. You should never feel like a burden for wanting to connect with your partner in conversation.
You’ve stopped talking about the future altogether
You two used to connect over talks of the future, but now it almost feels those conversations of moving in together; getting a pet; relocating, or just plain talking about plans 6 months from now are being avoided? You might need to consider what this means for your relationship. Do you want to be in a place where you’re with someone who doesn’t share that same thirst to be together in the future?
You feel lonely in the relationship
Even if you two are spending time together, does it feel like you’re lonely in the relationship? Lonely isn’t the absence of people around you—it’s a state of mind. Maybe you two live together, or maybe you two spend a ton of time together, but you feel empty and alone. This is such a tough feeling, especially considering how much you love them. I’ve personally been here. This above all, was my sign that being alone, in my ex’s apartment, was enough for me to see beyond this relationship. How did I get here? I would ask myself. Then I’d ask, “where do I want to go?”
You’ve disconnected with your friends
Have you stopped talking to your friends as you prefer to spend time with your partner? Do you give up friendly invites in hopes that your significant other will ask you out to do things? Do you feel like you’ve put your friends on hold just to be with your partner? In many dysfunctional relationships, without really knowing it, we give up spending time with anyone else as we want to be attached our partners all the time. Are you clinging, and shutting others out? There is a way to have both. It’s called balance, and love for yourself.
You feel anxious when you’re not with them
Do you ever feel like there’s something “wrong” when you’re not with your partner? Maybe you’re fine when you’re with them, but you just feel totally off without them? You might have an anxious attachment style. This is something crucial to look into as it helps you navigate how you attract and move through your relationships. You might be calling in people you date who have avoidant attachment styles, which jeopardizes your feelings of security in your relationship. If nothing else in this article, be sure to check out how attachment styles play a role in your life.
You’re worried your partner doesn’t feel the same as you anymore
Although you really love your partner, you are willing to stay even if you sense your partner doesn’t feel the same way. This is a very intuitive read into your relationship, which we often turn away from as it signals the opposite of what we want. Listen to your intuition. It’s guiding you. We all have these feelings we can’t explain with evidence, and it’s crucial we look at what it’s pointing us towards.
Do you wish you had seen the red flags earlier?
You know every relationship has its set of concerns, but how many is too many? How much dysfunction is too much? You are picking up on the red flags, and you’re overwhelmed as you think you’ve gone too far to quit the relationship. Maybe you know they mock your friends, or have you feeling guilty for wanting to hangout without them, but you turn away from what your gut is telling you because you think relationships are about sacrifice. Healthy relationships are not about sacrifice; they’re about a willingness to see your partner’s side of things, and do things that serve you and your partner. You don’t need to choose one. What red flags are you refusing to look at?
You’ve realized you lost yourself in it all
Along with all the changes, adjustments, and reconfiguration — you’ve lost your sense of self. You have forgotten who you are, and what you stand for. You have been so preoccupied with trying to make your partner happy, that you’ve stopped asking yourself how to make you happy. You’ve started to realize that staying in this relationship means choosing one or the other.
You’ve more terrified to leave, than you are happy to stay
You might be convincing yourself that you don’t want to leave, but that’s because you think you don’t deserve better. You are willing to settle as you feel you’ve put in so much more than you’d get in another relationship. You realize you’re willing to stay and settle for mediocrity, than leave and feel the feelings of being alone.
To summarize, in an ideal relationship, you want to feel this way:
Like a priority, and that your partner is making time to spend quality time with you
Appreciates open communication, and welcomes you to express yourself
Shows up for you in a way that makes you feel secure, loved, understood
Appreciated for being who you are
Eager for your future together because you just know the future is bright for the both of you
Willing to work together to get through each hurdle that comes up
Connected to yourself, others, and them
You have found someone who deserves you and all your wonder
A relationship is two complete people coming together to enrich each others lives. If you are dating someone in fear of being alone, or in fear that you’ve gone too far to let go, this is just your fear talking, and is not at all a trust testament to your strength and independence. You are perfect, whole, and complete with or without your partner. If you have lost yourself by being with someone else, it is so important to evaluate this side of you that’s speaking.
If you sense you might need to leave your relationship and are looking for guidance around your decision, reach out to me for a first session and let’s talk about your options.