I’m going to make this direct—you decide when the right time to end a relationship is.

• It’s not a seasonal decision; you don’t just end a relationship before summer because people say it’s a good time to be single and distracted

• You don’t wait to end the relationship between holidays so you can avoid ruining their vacation plans or family time

• You don’t look for someone new to date, then tell your partner once you’ve confirmed you two are official

• You don’t wait until they’ve gotten “the hint” that you no longer call them or ask to hang

• You don’t strategically tell them after you’ve accepted a job in a new city and you’re already on the plane

The “right” time isn’t based on an external factor—which is what we often base everything from without even fully recognizing it. We think working around societal norms is going to alleviate the pain of a breakup. Kind of silly when you really think about it.

Want to know why you are even looking into the “right” time? Because you’re freaking terrified of holding onto the burden of the decision you really want to make. You’re terrified of the uncertainty, and the thoughts your hearing in your head.

And as a breakup coach, I’ve seen a lot of people just like you who are hoping that if they’re strategic enough, they might just get out of feeling the pain, and the onus, of ending a relationship.

I get it—no one wants to be responsible for ending a relationship. It sucks, let’s be honest. But that’s your fear talking, and not your love. Every person, at many points in their life, are faced with making decisions that aren’t easy, and we go ahead and try to reconfigure the situation to avoid the very human experience that is heartbreak.

A simple shift away from your fear

Do you get that if you chose to end your relationship, you’d be giving your partner an opportunity to find the love they deserve?

My clients often gasp when I share that with them. They’d become so confused in their own thinking and misery, that they forgot how they’re holding their ex back.

How can you fully show up in a relationship when you have this weight on your shoulders? How can you fully give your partner what they need and deserve if you’re always looking on the other side of the fence?

You might be thinking, “well Nancy, I’m not 100% sure I want to end my relationship,” and that may very well be true. I ask that you consider whether or not you’re trying to avoid feeling scared, or if you’re being guided out of love for your partner. Just by reading this article, you might be innocently guided by fear.

Every day, new opportunities arise for us; but every day that we try and strategically end our relationship around the “right” time, our partners lose a full day of fulfilling love from us. We can’t show up when we are guided by fear. We just can’t.

How your mind works during this decision-making

We can’t do anything fully when we have fear as our primary compass; but this is often how we operate. Our minds are programmed to keep us safe and protected from danger. In today’s day and age, it’s emotional danger that what it is defending against, not physical.

We are all afraid of loneliness, boredom, and fear itself. Your mind is just doing it’s job by coming up with ways to avoid the pain. But that’s just your mind, and it’s not often “right.”

You might be reading this terrified that every part of your life will crumble once you end this relationship. You might think you may never recover. These are all thoughts, and just your mind trying to keep you safe from emotional danger.

Let’s be real here; as you read this, has your life ever crumbled before? Have you ever not recovered?

No, because you wouldn’t be here if that was the case. I’ve had many times in my life where I was so convinced I was going to have a panic attack, and when I decided “meh, it’s okay if it happens,” it literally goes away within 30 seconds.

30. Freaking. Seconds.

Our issue with running away from our mind’s thoughts is that we are convinced they’re real, and that’s why we try and avoid them as hard as we can.

When we witness them, instead of believing them, we make very empowering decisions—ones that are so aligned with our truth. And we learn quickly just how “wrong” our thoughts are.

Why “timing” isn’t as strategic as you think

I’m writing this right before American Thanksgiving, arguably the biggest holiday of the year. You might be reading this right before then, or before Christmas, or before Valentine’s Day. But guess what? A holiday has nothing to do with ending a relationship.

No one says, “wow, that’s so kind of you that you waited until I told my family how much I adore you over Christmas, to end our relationship. How thoughtful!”

No one says, “wow, thanks for giving me an opportunity to be single over the summer. This breakup is a lot less painful because of your careful timing and consideration.”

I know, I’m starting to sound like a butthead. But I’m trying to show you just how ineffective it is to try and come up with the right time that is based on things outside of yourself.

Another shift in perspective

Fear only breeds more fear. When you “try” and avoid hurting someone’s feelings, you probably end up doing it anyway. Oh my gosh I have been there, and couldn’t understand why that was for the longest time. It’s because you’re coming from the focus on the fear. Instead, if you think, “how can I be more loving here,” then your mind will guide you towards exactly that. It’s that simple.

Have you ever gotten in a fight with your partner and said out loud, “this is exactly what I was trying to avoid,” then you know that this is a prime example. When you try to avoid something, it’s out of fear. When you try to do loving things, loving things come through. It’s a subtle, but crucial, shift in perspective.

Look at this breakup as a loving experience. You’re letting your partner find the love they deserve. You’re not going to be holding them back anymore. I know it sounds a little self-deprecating, but sometimes we get so caught up in our own fear that we forget there is a totally loving side of ending a relationship.

Why I’m passionate about this conversation

When my last relationship ended in 2016, I could see how much my ex refused to the end the relationship in fear he’d be holding the “burden” of a “failed” relationship. I was so aware of this, and so I ended it.

I still think to this day, would he have actually ended it, or would we have just both been dragging our head in a half-hearted way for years to come? So many people stay in dissatisfied relationships because of fear. Don’t be one of them—you’re meant for so much more, and so is your partner.

People who love each other still break up. They still get divorced. These people aren’t experiencing a “failed” relationship—they’re just moving on in a conscious way. They’re aware that the relationship no longer serves or fulfills them, and that’s perfectly okay. You have the right to change your mind.

It’s okay to end a relationship—we all do it. And it doesn’t make us “bad” people—it makes us aware and loving. Just because people hurt in relationships, doesn’t mean that’s up to you to control. Breakups are part of the human experience, and so is pain. You’re not responsible for how others react; all you can do is control how loving you’re willing to be to speak your truth.

If that’s ending a relationship, then you know the right time might just be…now.

If you need additional support making this decision, reach out to me for a breakup coaching session here.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

BOOK A SESSION · JOIN MY COMMUNITY · COURSES · YOUTUBE · SELF-CARE WORKBOOK