You’re probably reading this because on some level you want to actually get back with you ex, yet—you were totally drawn to the title of this article.

I get it, you’re confused.

One minute, you’re obsessively thinking about your ex, and the next—you completely snap back into reality and know exactly why things ended.

Who isn’t this confused during a breakup?

As a breakup coach, it’s my job to be both real with you, and also empathetic. After all, I’ve been there, and I want you to make the right decisions for you. I spent over a year post-breakup being disillusioned by what my mind told me. I couldn't figure out how to get out of this confusing state. But then I figured it out and that’s what I’m going to share with you today.

I’d rather share with you what might be unconsciously playing with your decision-making faculties in your brain, than have you doing something that will only deepen your pain, and leave you feeling more stuck.

Why you’re most likely wanting to get back with your ex

As a disclaimer, you’re going to read a lot of things in this article that will trigger you in some way. You might want to snap at me, but I encourage you to just hear me out, and try it on for size. You have nothing to lose, and this stuff is all part of the first process to getting over your breakup.

The first reason you are most likely wanting to get back with your ex is because you don’t know how to deal with your emotions during a breakup.

For example, you might feel really sad and alone right now, which has you scrolling through their social media feed; reminiscing on the good times; and wishing you were still with them.

And on really bad days, your loneliness drives you to text or call your ex incessantly, to beg to get them back. The feeling of loneliness is driving you to do things to stop yourself from being lonely (i.e. pick up the phone and call your ex).

You think on a conscious level that might make you feel relief from the pain, but as you and I both know it—that ain’t even slightly true.

These “activities”—we’ll call them—are in fact enhancing that feeling. They’re feeding them, and keeping that energy stuck inside of you.

Simple enough, right?

But while your loneliness is making your mind do that and pretty much taking over, you’ve forgotten about the true reasons you shouldn’t get back with them.

Being lonely is not a good reason to get back with your ex, no matter how motivating it is. As social creatures as we humans are, our minds will have us do things to stop loneliness in fear we might die off the earth. (Back in the caveman days, people joined groups to survive and protect each other). Your mind is registering this at such a deep level when you’re feeling lonely, which is why you feel your only option is to pick up that damn phone to get back with your ex.

But in 2021, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to our mind’s survival techniques. You just need to know that they’re present when they show up. You don’t have to “do” anything about them.

You need to understand that your emotions (whether you’re fully aware of them or not) are actually driving your decision to get your ex back.

But it does not solve the reason you’re broken up.

Do you get the separation between your emotional draw to get them back, and your actual want to get them back?

Okay, to some degree. Now let’s move on.

What you’re missing when you’re going through your breakup

Most people really profit from highly-viewed videos and businesses where their goal is to help you get your ex back.

But I conduct my business a little differently, and I help you see exactly why you should be broken up.

Chances are, you’re broken up for a reason, and it’s not the reason your mind is having you believe which is:

“I never fully appreciated them, and now I know so we should get back together.”

No. I’m sorry—but no.

You’re supposed to be broken up; and getting over your ex means discovering why that is—in YOU.

You see, this process called a “breakup” is also about rediscovering who you are, and uncovering really deep patterns about yourself that have prevented you from a long-lasting relationship in the first place.

If you find that you’re never fully satisfied in relationships, there’s something to uncover there.

If you find you attract non-committal partners, there’s something to explore.

If you find you attract partners who don’t appreciate you, there’s something for you to see in yourself about why that is.

You can do this all on your own without talking to your ex. It’s called hiring a coach or therapist to explore this so you can free yourself from the unhealthy relationship patterns you’ve got going on.

By the way, none of this is pleasant to the mind; personal development work threatens the ego—the part of ourself that loves labels, survival, and staying in what is familiar—so most people opt to get their ex back, instead of doing the inner work required.

Our minds (note: not us) would rather spend all our energy getting our ex back than using all that motivating energy to focus on ourselves.

Don’t you notice that?

We think our identity is attached to our relationship—but it’s not.

My breakup coaching confessional

When people contact me to help them get their ex back, I also notice that the email timestamp was at some ungodly hour of the night in their timezone. Firstly, I’m floored that they managed to bypass all the copy on my website, as well as my blogs, because I clearly state I help you rediscover yourself, not help you magically get your ex back.

It takes courage, strength, and faith to look inside of yourself and see where you have done yourself wrong. Most times, getting your ex back is doing you a disservice.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

What it takes to get your ex back

Now, I’m actually going to share what it takes, but you have to listen carefully because it’s not what you want to hear.

Most people who want to get their ex back while in a frantic state don’t want to do the inner work.

They want to know the “right” things to “do” and “say” to innocently manipulate (I said innocently!) them into coming back.

Getting your ex back will never be about what you say and do. Here’s why.

I’m going to share the proven method to getting them back the right way:

• Understand that you have ZERO control over how your ex sees you. Your ex has his or her own model of the world, and it’s up to them to want to come back to you. This process has very little to do with the “nice” and “appealing” things you say to get them back; nor does it have to do with how many grand gestures you do. You can’t control how they think or how anyone thinks for that matter.

• Understand that getting them back must be mutual, and serve both of you. Normally, if you’re reading an article like this, your situation might be a little one-sided. One person wants to get back, and the other doesn’t trust that it’s the right decision. In order to get back together, it must be mutual, and be for the greater good of both of you. Not because one of you feels guilty; or one of you finally “caved” and agreed. It’s mutual.

• Understand your primary motivating factor for getting back together. I truly believe that we operate either through love or fear. If you’re recently out of a relationship, and if you reflect honestly, you might be wanting to get your ex back out of fear of loneliness than actual love. Now, you might love them, but your motivation might be based more on fear at the times when you’re drawn to get them back most. This is where you need to look within yourself honestly. If you’re being triggered just by reading this part, that’s a good thing. Something is getting your attention here.

• Understand that you need to do your own honest reflection. Once you understand that your mind (not you) is going to have you experience a lot of emotional turbulence as it goes through its own withdrawal period, only then can you start reflecting. Most people who reach out to me about getting their ex back confuse honest reflection with what their survival mind is telling them. You’ll need to wait around 14-30 days minimum and surrender to the idea that you cannot control your ex’s decision for this reflection to start taking place.

Once you’ve gone through all 4 of these steps, chances are you won’t be so drawn to get back with your ex.

Why you should never get back with you ex

Now, by this point, we’ve done the run through of what you need to know if you’re thinking about getting back with your ex. Now we can move onto why you actually clipped on this article today.

• You have things you need to look at that you must do alone. When I went through my last breakup, I played the “my-ex-is-so-great” card for a long time, and that stopped me unconsciously from growing as a person. Once I figured out I am meant to be broken up because this would help me grow and heal—and this breakup was for my benefit—my perspective changed almost instantly. This process involved hiring a coach who would help me detach from old, unhealthy thought patterns so I could start attracting the right people. Today, I’m happily engaged so I can attest that this works.

• Once you notice why you attracted your ex (on an unconscious level through coaching), you won’t want to stay with them. I have clients who want to rediscover themselves and uncover if getting back with their ex is the right decision. By the end of 8-12 weeks together, they have opened up new doors for themselves and no longer look back at old, closed doors to their ex. They let go of unhealthy dating patterns, and through that process, detach from wanting their ex. When you grow, you outgrow old, un-serving people and things in your life. But you’ve got to be willing to see this.

• Your relationship was flawed. Your ex might be a great person (much like my ex) but that doesn’t mean they’re right for you. Have you actually looked at your relationship needs? Which needs were met, if any? Have you mapped out your future and are they the right fit? Do you two agree on fundamental views on life and love in general? I have clients who say, “they were perfect for me, just couldn’t commit right now” and I say that’s a total misfit then. I have other clients who say, “but they would buy me thoughtful gifts and I never had that before” but then share how their basic relationship needs were not met, like making weekends plans or calling every night. It’s great to get gifts, but unless gift-getting outweighs what’s truly important to you, then your partner is not right for you. I take my clients through an extensive-but-eye-opening exercise that completely changes how they see their last relationship. Reach out to me and ask me about this here.

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I hope you enjoyed this honest, but real, article I wrote just in time for you to read it when you needed it most. You’re an amazing person who deserves an incredible partner, but first it’s time to see some stuff that might be holding you back.

If you want to work 1:1 with me, be sure to book your session with me below.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

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