5 Popular Myths About Going Through a Breakup DEBUNKED
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EPISODE 13: 5 Myths You Need to Stop Believing About Going Through a Breakup
Have you been trying to do all the things the internet tells you to do during your breakup, yet nothing is really working?
I hear you.
As a breakup coach, most of my clients book a session with me because they’re tired of listening to all this “advice” that they’ve lost their ability to get in touch with what works for them during their breakups.
Today I want to debunk the myths that are likely holding you back from getting over your ex.
But before we dive in, I am really compelled to share this because I used to work as a matchmaker professionally and I used to dish a TON of bad advice.
I mean, it was sound advice, but I wasn’t really tuning in emotionally with the people who would share their story with me.
I would just have a list of my go-tos, and I completely missed the mark on the actual connection part of giving advice to someone.
I missed being empathetic and being present with that person.
Now, it’s my duty to debunk the stuff that others might be telling you and hopefully empower you to choose your own path and listen to what resonates for you.
Ready to jump in?
“Time Heals All Wounds”
This might be the most popular piece of wisdom you’ve been hearing since your split.
Is it true? Kind of. But what’s more true is my signature breakup line:
Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it’s what you do with your time that heals you”
You can distract yourself, and do all the things the internet and your friends tell you to do, but if you don’t actually introspect and do some serious analysis on your relationship, then you’ll be killing time that isn’t actually helping you evolve.
Actually, to take this a step further, if you don’t investigate a pattern, you’re boomed to repeat it.
We find the same pattern in different people because we don’t do the postmortem analysis on our exes and why we chose them.
So no, time doesn’t heal all wounds if all you’re doing is waiting for time to pass.
And, distracting yourself until time passes doesn’t work either, no matter how much people tell you it does.
“Take my advice, I’ve been where you are”
Now, this isn’t a myth, per se, but I had to include it here because of how prevalent it is.
This sentence is usually said by someone who is bitter in their circumstance and doing the “warning” style of advice (something I really used to do). It sounds like it’s fair advice to share, but all it does is..scare you. Let’s be honest.
Take advice from people who emulate the type of relationship you're aspiring towards, and who has your best interest in mind. Or who has been through it, and conquered it and are now living the life you are.
When I was looking for my future-husband, before I met my fiance, I’d often feel down about the advice my friends were giving me at the time. I didn’t really think to consider who was giving me advice because I thought automatically that they were helping me based on knowing me.
Wrong.
They were sharing their wounds with me.
So then I started only asking for advice from people who had happy and healthy relationships, and oh my gosh did that completely shift my outlook.
These people were understanding, patient, loving, and got me.
Point blank: if someone hasn’t empathized enough with you, then chances are they’re just sharing their trauma with you.
I’ve learned as a breakup coach and friend, that important to trust the natural process our friends go through, even when it’s tough to watch.
We need to let people live their lives. Just because we’ve gone through a painful breakup doesn’t mean we can control or influence someone else based on our negative experience.
Yes, sometimes you need to listen to a wise friend’s advice, but chances are people are overdelivering on the advice, but it’s because they want to hear their own voice.
Trust me, that used to be me.
“Your ex will come back if you use the 30-day rule”
I did a whole article on this topic and this isn’t necessarily true. Here’s why:
Most people (not ALL) use this as a manipulation tactic; and that’s not what authentic love is about.
The reality is that you can’t make someone see what they lost when you block them or attempt to make them suffer.
And even if you could, that wouldn’t be genuine on your part.
I chose to do the 30-day no contact rule as a choice to empower myself and regain my own control. It had nothing to do with my ex.
Your intentions speak louder than your process.
“You just need to stay positive and look on the bright side”
I agree that there’s a place for positivity and gratitude during a breakup, but there’s also some serious toxic positivity going around where people don’t even want to hear you being “negative” when really you’re just sharing your feelings.
Breakups are one of the hardest life events we go through, and if we don’t allow ourselves to feel the excruciating and overwhelming pain, we likely won’t get through it the healthy way.
Yes, there are times to look on the bright side, but most of us don’t realize it’s through empathizing that someone is guided to the light.
Telling someone to look on the bright side actually adds more shame, because if we weren’t hurting enough, now we are being told to stop talking about how we feel if it’s not positive.
Guess what, breakups aren’t positive in the beginning. So take the time you need, and you’ll naturally make your way to the bright side when you’re ready.
Let go of the rules and start listening to what you need
Healing through your breakup is a moment-to-moment experience.
You can’t expect to be healed in 30 days of no contact.
You can’t just hold your breath and hope time does it’s thing.
You can’t always be grateful.
You’re a human being going through a really hard time, and the last thing you need is to be doing things outside of what your body, mind and soul want.
As a breakup coach, I help my clients actually be able to tune in to see what they need instead of listening to the noise.
I believe we are our own expert and the more we can get in touch with that part of us, the better off we are.
There’s so much advice going around, but the thing is: which is the stuff that’s most helpful for us?
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Be mindful of what breakup myths are going around and whether or not they’re helping or hindering your healing process.
I always say to take what resonates and leave the rest. Just because someone wise said something to you doesn’t mean you need to listen to them.
Just because it worked out in a movie doesn’t mean it’ll work for you.
Just because you follow a step-by-step strategy doesn’t mean your heart is on the same page.
Let yourself go through the process you’re going through. And in the meantime, if you are feeling the call to process your breakup the healthy, conscious way, get in touch with me here.
Book your first breakup coaching session with me here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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