How Do To The Whole "Self-Love" Thing During a Breakup (According to a Breakup Coach
A few days ago in my conscious breakup collective women’s FB group, I asked members in a post when they truly started to learn about self-love.
One gal responded with almost the identical response I gave when I first started learning about it.
“I don’t not love myself” was exactly what I said when my spiritual teacher (at the time she was just a wise new friend I had very randomly met in July 2017) had asked me because I was talking to her about my breakup and wondering what the hold up was on getting over my ex.
I was struggling for over a year.
And her being spiritual and all, she knew stuff I wasn’t exactly sure of myself.
You see, I don’t know about you but the words “self love” always made me cringe.
Seriously.
I thought it was something only woo-woo people thought of. And that you had to be a hippie and live in total “peace, love and butterflies” to get to that state.
And thank goodness for my spiritual teacher’s patience because that woman did not give up on me no matter how spiritually-offensive I was at the time.
(For the record I’ve always been intuitive but I wasn’t really in touch with my spiritual side until I met her.)
So through her super loving and grounding spiritual teachings, she guided me into my self-love journey and fast forward to now: I’m married and living my dream life.
But back to you.
Today I’m really going to try to break the whole “self-love” thing down for you.
Why?
Because I know you’ve been getting told “you need to learn to love yourself” in this super cryptic way.
But like, WHY ISN’T ANYONE EXPLAINING IT TO ME?!? You wonder to yourself.
So welcome. I’m so glad you’re here.
And chances are, you’re probably deep and very practical (a killer awesome combination, BTW) like me, so you learn through thorough explanations and concrete examples and stories. So I’m going to be including those. You might want to grab a coffee..or latte. Or wine.
As a conscious breakup coach, I believe that self-love is at the heart of healing through a breakup. And its my mission to bring self-love to the breakup experience through conscious breakup advice. I can say with full confidence that oh-my-gosh… the WAY I saw myself in my own healing journey after I started truly embodying self-love totally changed how I was going through my breakup. And changed how I cared for myself. And how I attracted my husband.
And this is what I want for you. It’s what I know you are onto as well. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be here. You’re probably getting like, seriously good vibes by reading this because this article feels intuitively like it’s about to illuminate you.
Or is that just me?
Anyways, today I’m bringing you inside the coaching experience with me. Cause a lot of people ask me “what exactly is breakup coaching?” and instead of an elevator pitch, I’m going to (hopefully) drop some knowledge on the self-love that you can start using right away.
So what is self-love?
For me and my clients, self love is an intentional state of being where you take action from a place of love, respect, kindness and care for yourself.
You might need to read that 2 or 3 times. Or sticky note it.
Now, I say intentional because you’ve got to become aware of it. You’ve got to become aware of when you’re not in a state of self-love and when you are not.
And when you’re acting from a place of self-love, and when you’re not.
And of course, I’m going to help you out to understand deeper what exactly that means.
See if you can answer the following questions honestly:
Do you often find that people take advantage of you (in relationships and in general)? Do you give a lot more than you’re given?
When you make a mistake at work or with a friend or family member, do you find yourself stuck in a state of self-blame for hours or days?
Do you find you say “yes” even when you want to say no?
Do you say “yes” to things you “know” aren’t good for you but you “just can’t help yourself”?
Are you tough on yourself when it comes to your looks and body?
Do you “put up” with a lot in your relationships? Do your friends point this out to you as well?
Do you often try to stop yourself from crying or tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling the way that you are?
Do you often compare yourself to others to the point where you feel really insignificant?
If you answered “yes” to even one of those questions, you need the practice of self-love in your life. (Spoiler alert: we ALL need more self-love.)
Why do I keep doing non-self-loving things?
You might have noticed that we haven’t really started talking about your breakup yet in the context of self-love, and that’s for the simple reason that self-love expands across every single area of your life, so I wanted to give you an overview before we narrow into the relationship area of your life.
Let me give you a personal story I’m thinking you might be able to relate to, maybe….
In my early 20s, I was really crazy for this guy. Like, whenever he’d text, I’d go over every single time and he lived 20 minutes away so not exactly a quick drive. But the problem was he didn’t really want anything more than a booty call with me from time to time.
And I stayed,…I stayed for a long-ass time. (Wow no pun intended there!)
* cough * 4 years * cough *
Yup, for 4 years on-and-off, he’d invite me over when he wanted. And asked me to leave when he wanted. He wouldn’t ever actually text me except to tell me to come over and I’d just go along whenever he was available.
Wanna know why I kept doing this?
Even though I consciously always wanted to meet my husband (seriously, I’d alwayssss say that and always be on the hunt), I was missing self-love from a really deep, unconscious, sturdy place within myself.
So, I did what many other people would do when they don’t have self-love: I settled for what I was given. Because I didn’t think I could get someone as “good” as him. (Even though we all know we weren’t even dating!)
I didn’t think someone could truly love me the way I wanted to be loved. So I stayed in this maybe-one-day-he’ll-love-me dynamic.
If you asked me during that time of my life if I was operating from a place of self-love or not, I wouldn’t be able to answer. I’d deflect and say something like “well I’m in my 20s! I can just have fun. Leave me alone!” even though I knew my truth: I really wanted to find The One.
And that’s the thing. We all have an internal compass that’s guiding us, but if we don’t nurture ourselves to increase our self-love and self-worth, we can’t make powerful decisions that lead to happiness and fulfillment.
I’m sure you’ve felt many moments, especially in your breakup, where something felt wrong, but you just made a (lack of self-love) “excuse” to keep doing it.
“I know my ex doesn’t want to be together, but we can keep sleeping together in hopes they change their mind.”
“I know I’m newly single and not over my ex, but I’m going to go on dates because “why not!”
Lack of self-love is where excuses are created. Excuses that go against what we really want and deserve.
I truly believe we all intuitively know what and who we desire, but it’s our self-love, or lack thereof, that gives us the patience and time to call in what we want. And be willing to wait for that without settling in between. And be willing to do the self-love work required to heal.
Had I truly been in the practice of self-love, maybe I’d have seen that guy a few times in the beginning, but once I realized we were in this pattern of the booty-call variety, I would have had the courage and strength to put my own needs and desires first and stop seeing him so I could find someone much better suited.
But you might have one tiny question…
Which actions are self-loving vs not?
Believe it or not, self-love has nothing to do with the actions themselves. It’s about the feeling and alignment that guide the action.
You can decide to meet up with your ex from a place of self-love, empowerment and openness. Or you can meet up with your ex because you’re feeling desperate, worried, and terrified of being single (or any other low vibration feeling)
You can decide you deserve that delicious ice cream, or you can decide you’re never going to meet your fitness and nutrition goals so “what’s the point in trying” and then eat a tub of ice cream.
See what I mean?
This is why I mentioned you’ve got to get conscious about what’s driving the action.
Scarcity is the opposite of self-love.
Want to know why I always went over to that guy’s house? Because I was afraid he’d stop asking if I said no. I remember one night, I had just finished taking my makeup off and had my housecoat on and was ready for bed (and you know, when the makeup is off—there’s no way you’re leaving the house), when I got his text. “Hey.” He says.
I put my makeup back on, and went over there.
Guess what happened? He fell asleep within 45 minutes of me getting there and I struggled to sleep ALL night at his place.
I totally could have enjoyed my evening alone, happily relaxing. Watching Property Virgins (Any Canadians reading this?!).
But no.
Instead, my fear told me that if I don’t go over, I’d waste a “connection” I could be making that would make us boyfriend and girlfriend. (You’d think I’d have figured out it wasn’t going anywhere at that point.)
Self-love means being okay saying “no” knowing (from a deep, intuitive place) there’s another opportunity better suited for you because you trust yourself to make choices. You can trust yourself when you make decisions from a place of self-love.
What I want you to know about self-love
Now, I don’t regret the decisions I made when I didn’t know what self love was.
I’m grateful for all the experiences that led me to truly understand why I did what I did in relationships. That self-love was at the root of why I wasn’t so happy. Or why I didn’t have the fulfilling relationships I wanted.
And that I was operating from a place of fear, not self-love.
And it’s through this work that I am so incredibly happy with my husband and our half-basset mix dog. And it’s this work that I teach my clients.
I want you to understand that most of us don’t know about self-love until we really need to learn about it.
But you must not look back and wish things were different, or wished you’d known about self-love earlier. Acceptance of our pasts is also part of self-love. Accepting yourself when you operated from a place of fear and didn’t even know it.
When I work with my clients to nurture their self-love during their breakups, they not only learn about self-love, but they also learn about acceptance and giving love to the old versions of themselves and there’s nothing quite like witnessing this kind of transformation.
How people act when they love themselves
When they make a mistake, they allow themselves to feel their initial reaction, and then remind themselves that everyone makes mistakes. They don’t dwell or experience much negative self-talk because they know that hurts their soul and they deserve to be gentle with themselves
Before they just say “YES” to something, they check in with themselves to see if it feels right or good
They know their boundaries. They know when they’re willing to do something and they know when something is not serving them in a healthy way
They keep promises to themselves, like when they say they will keep meaningful distance from their ex
They know their needs matter and they make time to learn them
When they are clear on their values about what makes up a healthy and conscious relationship, they don’t keep dating people who don’t match that definition
They nurture themselves when they feel lonely, hurt, upset, sad
They make time for self-care and understand their energetic and emotional limits
What’s next?
I know—getting started with self-love can feel like a lot.
But that’s exactly why I coach my clients step-by-step to support them in becoming happy, fulfilled & full of self-love after a relationship ends. The breakup is the experience. Self-love is the invitation.
Are you going to say yes? Book a self-love session today.
—
Thank you so much for making time to care for yourself today. Let this article sink in and feel free to return to it whenever you need it. And join the conscious breakup collective if you haven’t already where I give conscious breakup advice & go live!
xo
Nancy Ruth Deen, Conscious Breakup Coach
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!