Here's Why They Pulled Away (According to a Breakup Coach)
Okay, so the weirdest thing just happened to you.
A new-ish relationship where both of you were insanely into each other just ended…
…and you have literally no idea why.
You met their friends and they all loved you
You even had lunch with their mom and step-dad within, like, 10 days of meeting
You literally made plans to go on vacation together because it just felt right even though you’d never been on vacation with anyone before
You both literally talking about how perfect you were for each other and how “easy” it is
…And the chemistry was CRAZY good.
But here’s the thing, the very, very weird thing.
Nothing really happened to make them stop texting. It was like they were just pulling away and you couldn’t stop it…
You don’t know what changed, like—at all.
And even when you tried to talk to them about it, whatever it was they said to justify this behavior just didn’t seem to add up.
Intuitively, you didn’t feel like what they said aligned.
Maybe they said work is getting busy, even though they had no problem making time for you at the same level of busyness, just a week or two ago.
Or you saw them out having fun with friends, and they weren’t too busy for that.
Maybe they said you just need to take a step back and slow down, even though they’re the ones who were all hot-and-heavy this whole time.
And you literally just saw them back on Bumble and Hinge.
It just…doesn’t add up. You’re totally perplexed.
And the weirdest thing?
You only just started being “all in” and that seems to be when things totally collapsed.
So, what the HECK happened?
If you’re nodding your head and you’re like OMG Nancy this is EXACTLY me, then let me tell you that before I was a conscious breakup coach, I was gal trying to find an amazing guy to be with.
And along my path, I found myself in this exact relationship I described above.
(I know, the similarities, right?!)
We dated for three weeks, met his friends and family, made future plans together…
But then it got “too real” for them, even though I was just kind of going based on the pace they set.
And then shortly after things we’re perfect, he told me we needed to “slow down.”
And I knew, I just knew, that that wasn’t true (I mean, you know when something doesn’t feel right), and I told him I can’t do this and then we stopped talking.
For weeks after, I was so empty feeling, because I really felt like this was going to be it. I felt so lost.
I literally didn’t have the answer I needed from him to move on. He said he wanted to slow down yet when I broke it off because it was too painful to know that energetically we were separated already, he was back on the apps like our relationship didn’t even happen.
So, what actually happened?
Great question, and I’m here to answer that in-depth for you.
Here’s what likely happened, and this is based on this amazing book on attachment science.
When someone pulls away when things get real, or the other person starts getting “real” feelings, it’s a sign they have intimacy issues.
They’re displaying behaviors of someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Not physical intimacy issues, but emotional as in being able to be vulnerable; not just in the beginning but mainly when the initial excitement dwindles (honeymoon phase is over) and you’re in a little routine together. This can even be 10 days or months into a relationship.
When things are easy and light in the beginning, that’s great for the avoidant. But as soon as you bring up an issue, or you start to crave talking to them every night and simply ask, “when will you be home?” At which point they don’t text you for hours even though in the beginning they’d always text you first, or you know they always have their phones on them…
…They likely have intimacy issues and can’t tell that’s what’s happening for them.
But you sure as hell feel it on your end.
Intimacy starts when the high of the beginning of a relationship fades, and all that is left is a bond whereby both of you choose to nurture it.
And maybe, you even experienced them blocking you, or getting angry when you try to ask them what’s going on.
Trust that this has nothing to do with you and is just them getting defensive because they can’t understand they’re unconsciously protecting themselves from having an intimate conversation and confronting their fears.
I know, we’re getting super real in this article.
Okay, so where do we go from here?
Another great question. The first thing you’re probably thinking is, “is there a way to convince them we’re meant to be together and that they just need to work on their intimacy issues? If I know this, maybe I can help them…”
And to that I say…
No.
And here’s why: if they’re not being fully honest with you, it’s because they’re not being fully honest with themselves.
If they can’t be honest with what’s actually going on inside of them that’s making them pull away, any efforts on your part is only going to push them away farther.
If you’re dating someone with avoidant tendencies, they’re going to avoid solving the issue because that alone is a sign of intimacy. (I was so shook when I read this in the “Attached.”)
See where I’m going with this?
What you need to do is understand that you’re dealing with someone with intimacy issues, and they’re only going to back away farther and farther the more you try to remedy the situation.
Because it’s them who created this situation, not you.
You just wanted an intimate, awesome, loving relationship.
And they’re terrified of that. At least deep down they are.
And so they’ve created space.
“But Nancy, what if we just have one conversation? Maybe it’ll work?”
Let’s go back to my story for a sec.
After that relationship ended, he called me up a few months later saying he wanted to see me. I didn’t agree at first, but he said he had done a lot of reflection. And then a week later I agreed to meet.
We met for drinks and he said he wanted to be with me again and try.
And then…24 hours later he was back to his old intimacy shenanigans.
I talked to him about his avoidant behavior and he knew he had it, but he didn’t exactly do anything about it.
And I just had to trust that the Universe was looking out for me.
That I’m glad I got that second shot just to see that he wasn’t capable of change, at least not with me.
And you want to know the best part of all of this?
A few months later, I met the man I would marry… (wait for it..)
We were dating long distance, and the first time he came up from Seattle to visit me here in Vancouver, BC, we went to my favorite bar.
While walking out, we passed Mr. Intimacy Issues.
It felt like the Universe orchestrated this just to give me the closure I needed.
I swear, I can’t make this stuff up.
But trust me, you might not be able to make full sense of what’s going on for you right now, but there’s a rhyme and reason for everything. I really believe that.
But I want you to understand this one thing, if nothing else.
You are NOT the reason you two broke up, but you are NOT responsible for teaching your ex about their intimacy issues.
You were there, putting in the work and being excited about finding love! You’re not supposed to be their intimacy educator if they’ve already emotionally walked out, right?
(If they were still in the relationship and wanting to make it work that would be a very different situation.)
The bottom line
Truthfully, they are the reason you two aren’t together.
If they can’t be intimate with you or build a stable foundation of emotional security and intimacy—not just when it’s exciting—then they were never going to survive the incredibly loving, supportive environment you’re trying to create right now.
The Universe is saving that energy of yours for someone deserving, who has space, willingness and presence for you.
I know this because for the right person (with a secure attachment), you never have to worry about liking them “too much” because it’s so mutual you don’t even think about that at all.
And yes this love exists, I’m a walking example.
My story is your story.
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If this article resonated with you, consider booking a session with me if you need more support and guidance in your journey.