The internet will tell you a lot of things you shouldn’t do during a breakup; drunk-text your ex, stalk their social media—you know, things I’m sure you’re doing that no one can stop even if they tried.

As a breakup coach, I go a lot deeper than behaviour change. Of course, healthy habits are very important, but navigating the tricky waters of a breakup is deeper than just taking action and expecting a mental shift.

In this article, I wanted to take what I’ve learned working with a lot of men who have been in your shoes, and relay some of the findings to help you understand what you’re feeling right now.

There’s no perfect way to do a breakup, but there are ways that can help put your mental health first. I know how destructive it can be when we are talking to friends, and they are either innocently judging our actions, or giving advice that only kind of worked for them. So, I thought I’d provide some other insights you might not get from your well-intentioned friends. Here we go!

1. Don’t judge your feelings

   The first thing I see when I’m working with a new client is how much they’re judging their emotions; it’s almost as if they think they shouldn’t be feeling anything. The key is to NEVER judge your feelings. Emotions are just energy and they’re passing through you. That’s all. You’re feeling sad, that’s okay. You’re feeling embarrassed—that’s okay, too. You don’t need to do anything to stop yourself from feeling that way. There’s no problem, except thinking that feeling human emotions is a problem. Resisting the emotion (by trying to make it go away) brings more focus to the fact that it’s still here, and it tends to have you believe that that’s a huge problem. It’s not—I can tell you that with certainty. It just means you’re thinking about your thinking a lot, and really got your attention.

   There’s also no such thing as “negative” feelings’; it’s all just energy. We think sadness is a negative emotion, and we push it away and pretend it didn’t happen. This isn’t the ideal relationship we want; ultimately, letting yourself experience this energy is the best way to let it pass.

2. Don’t blame your ex for too long

   If you want to fully express yourself and judge your ex until the cows come home—feel free to do so, but within the shortest amount of time possible for you. The reason I advise to stop blaming is because you’re literally making it all about them, and there’s things for you to look at in the relationship too. Even if your ex cheated on you, a lot of things happened before that were there as a series of dominos that fell long before. You don’t have to look into this right away, but blaming your exes is really taxing emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally—as you well know. Instead, when you’re ready, try to look within yourself. Blame is often the reaction we have when we can’t see inside ourselves. Ask me more about this.

3. Don’t vent to everyone about them

   In the beginning of a relationship, you’ll want to vent. But after a while, it’s time to stop talking about them, and giving yourself some peace of mind. I have a client who feels so stuck after almost a year of being broken up, and tells me in our weekly sessions that they continue to have extensive conversations with many people about their ex. They haven’t figured out that talking about them is keeping the ghost of their ex alive—in thoughts AND in conversations. You’ve got to choose to see your thoughts about your ex, and choose to not give those thoughts attention. This takes practice. A lot of it, but you’re fully capable of shifting your attention.

   We turn to our friends for their support which is important, but there comes a time when we are really putting a lot of focus on someone who isn’t even in our lives anymore. They did what they did, but that doesn’t have to dictate how you live your life today. Today is an absolutely brand-new day where you can pick any topic to talk about, and give yourself the attention you need.

   I find when I’m coaching, my clients can forget that when they are focusing on someone else, they’re not focusing on themselves. They wonder why they feel so crappy even after year(s) post-breakup; it’s because they have chosen to focus their attention outside of themselves, and that will never be an enriching process (unless you’re doing this lovingly).

4. Never make your ex’s words or actions mean something about you

   One of the biggest things I see in breakup coaching is that we make a simple action mean so much about ourselves and our worthiness for love. If your partner cheated on you, it’s not because you’re unlovable, bad in bed, not marriage material, or any other story you have created in this process. It just means they slept with someone else for their own choices and insecurities. Making someone else’s actions mean something about you is the most innocent—yet detrimental—thing I know about this business of heartbreak. You must separate what other people do, and what it means about you. This of course, isn’t easy in the beginning, but it will transform the way you see your entire life. This is a huge emphasis on our coaching together if you’d like to learn more, inquire here.

If you’re feeling stuck in this vicious breakup cycle, reach out to me for some 1:1 coaching to help you make sense of your breakup, and put the power back in your hands.