If you’ve recently ended a relationship with someone and feel like you just wasted years (or months) of your life, it can feel really defeating.

Most of us try and enter relationships hoping it will go the distance, so when we realized were going through another breakup, we can’t help but take it personally.

We might think, “what’s wrong with me?” Or, “why can other people find people to marry, but not me?”

As a breakup coach, my clients really battle with the concept of their “failed” relationship. They want to see it a different way, but have no idea where to begin. After all, they find they have so much “evidence” to prove they can’t find someone they truly want, or feel like they’re always getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

Personally, I was dating someone for over two years when I realized that we were headed nowhere fast. I remember sitting in his apartment all alone packing my suitcases feeling like this was the lowest I had ever felt. I thought I had invested so much of myself in the relationship, and that was being stripped away. I hated the idea of starting something new again.

We’ve all had our moments when we feel like we hit rock bottom—like we failed in our relationships.

Some of my clients have experienced the following:

• They’ve been in a relationship for 5+ years, but their partner didn’t want to commit to marriage

• They’ve been married for 10+ years with a family, only to learn their partners have been cheating on them

• They’ve never known authentic love in a relationship, even though they’ve been in many relationships and dream of having it

There are always two sides to every experience

In life, we can see things in the light, or in the dark.

We can see them positively or negatively.

We can see them lovingly or fearfully.

You can’t help what your partner does or says. But you can decide how you want to see things going forward. How you want to respond. You do have control over your own attitude.

A side note: just because you want to see your last relationship positively, doesn’t mean you are glad that what happened happened. No, there are tragic things that happen to us that I hope no one ever has to face. But you can choose to not let it defeat you.

How to see your last relationship in a positive light

Here’s some good news: there’s no such thing as a failed relationship, because every experience we go through teaches us something about ourselves.

Even the worst relationships teach us about what we need in our next relationship.

Often, we need to go through what we don’t want in order to learn what we do want. (I wished it wasn’t the case, either.)

We have to see our experience as a teachable moment (maybe one that last too many years) to help us refocus towards what we do want and need.

Sometimes we need to date a less-than-ideal partner to get it through our minds that we deserve more. That we are being called to put our self-worth as a priority.

So many times we enter into relationships without fully knowing why we’ve attracted this type of person. We don’t realize that the message we need to take from this is attached to our own learning.

When we learn, we heal.

You can find the love you deserve

You read about my last relationship, but that was just one of my relationships.

I used to attract men who never made me a priority, because guess what? I didn’t think I deserved to be anyone’s priority, when I really got honest with myself.

And…I never made myself a priority. I relied on men to make me happy. A classic situation, as you might see in your own relationships.

I really didn’t like feeling that way, but after dating time after time, I finally understood why.

I understood that something underneath the surface (subconsciously) was driving my path to attracting this type of person into my life.

By deciding to see what I could learn from my last relationship, I was able to attract the right person into my life.

You could dwell and blame your ex, or you could watch yourself grow through it, so that you’ll attract the right partner for you. The decision is up to you.

3 ways to see your last relationship with more light

• You got out of the relationship, which shows strength, courage and resilience. Even if you didn’t want to end the relationship, you’re moving forward positively just by reading this article

• The Universe has a plan for you. Life is an ebb and flow of transitions, and we label them as good and bad so that we can make better sense of what’s happening in our lives. Try and be open to the idea that you’re completely right where you need to be, even if it isn’t what you had planned

• You’re actually healing right now. Some of my deepest healing has come from an experience I labelled as “failed” or “terrible” because it was revealing something I refused to see until now. I realized that when these experiences were happening, I was ready to see them for what they were. I removed the rose-colour goggles, and that’s why I’m seeing things this way now. I could sense this was guidance once I let go of labelling my relationship as “failed” (despite what my emotions would tell me)

5 questions to ask yourself after your breakup:

1. Do I notice a visible pattern in the people I date/get into a relationship with? Do my friends notice a different or similar pattern? How does this “pattern” affect my ability to have a healthy relationship? Is there a connection?

2. What did I hold onto for so long when I intuitively felt off about it? Why did I ignore it?

3. Was I primarily staying in the relationship out of fear?

4. What do I want to start attracting in my relationship? Where have my relationships thus far not met my relationship needs?

5. Am I giving myself what I ask for in my relationships? If no, why? If yes, how?

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I hope this article has been helpful for you as you reframe how you see your last relationship. We are always learning, especially in trying times.

You’re stronger than you know.

If you do need additional support during your breakup, reach out to me here to book a session.

Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!

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